I am rarely at a loss for words.
When I wrote about being pregnant for the first time, I easily put into words all the fears and emotions and joys of that time.
And after we welcomed our firstborn, I wrote all about the first year of parenthood. And how much it rocked our world. I wrote that I cried at times. I wrote that I was lost at times. I wrote that I was so happy to be a mama.
And then, the same as we welcomed the middlest. I remember being so so so incredibly happy that day that we welcomed him. I remember feeling like everything was right in the world.
And writing about my miscarriage. The lost pregnancy between the Middlest and the Littlest. That, I waited a little bit to write about. Until I was pregnant again. I wrote in between. About life and about my boys. But I didn’t write about the loss until I felt I was in the clear. It was easier that way, I think. It wasn’t something I wanted to skip over completely. I needed to share it for me. And for those who read what I write here. But it was hard to write.
When the Littlest arrived early and we spent our days in the NICU, I shared those times here. It was cathartic for me to write about it. It was also an easy way for us to keep everyone in the loop. And to make sure everyone on Team Harrison could pray for him and support him and love on him, even from afar. It was hard to write. But for me, it was necessary. You all let me share in a way that helped me through what could have been a sad time, and made it a time that we just added to our life story and kept on keepin’ on.
And then, I’ve written about friendship, marriage, life, and motherhood. And all things in between. I’ve written here. For years.
And now, today, I share with you a new chapter. The first chapter where I think I have actually been at a loss for words. It’s not a chapter I would have chosen to write in my book but it’s a chapter that is now part of me. I can’t just rip out these pages. I have to live through them first in order to get to the rest of the book.
And this chapter is called: When I found out I had breast cancer.
I know. It’s a real page turner already, right?
When I found out I had breast cancer, I was 33 years old. On August 31st 2015, I found a lump in my right breast. On September 4, I had it checked by my doctor. That was also the first time I ever had a mammogram or a breast ultrasound. On September 8, I had my first breast biopsy and was told it was likely a malignancy. On September 14, I had my second. And on Friday, September 18th, I held my husband’s hand as I was told that I had DCIS {essentially Stage 0 breast cancer} as well as early invasive breast cancer. On September 23, I had a sentinel node biopsy and had an infusaport put in my arm for chemotherapy.
Yes. This is legit cancer, friends. Like chemo, mastectomy, radiation — needing cancer. Early — stage 1 or 2. Breast cancer.
And in case you are wondering, I have felt stunned, sad, terrified, inconsolable, joyful, loving, alone, supported, confused, positive, bleak, faithful, and so incredibly scared I was going to die. And then, positive again.
And over the next several months, I am certain I will feel all those things and so much more.
So the starter Q & A a for this chapter goes like this:
Am I scared? Yes.
Do I want to even think of leaving my boys? Absolutely not.
Have I thought that I might be dying? Yes.
Today do I believe it will be okay? I believe I do.
Are the doctors telling me I will be okay and that they believe this is curable? Heck yes.
Do I care about losing my hair? Nope.
Do I care about losing my boobs? They’ve served their purpose. Let’s be done with them!
Have I cried a million tears? You bet I have.
Have I had good moments in the last three weeks? More than I can count.
Have I been overwhelmed by the goodness of the people and prayers that surround me? You betcha.
Do I know the very best people on the planet? Sure thing, chicken wing.
And do I believe I will be a survivor at the end of my treatment? Yessireebob.
This chapter is just beginning. And it’s going to be a hard one to write. But I know that once I start, once I get the initial words out, it will be so much easier to tell my story. To help me through it. To share about treatment. To tell you things like “For the first time in my life EVERYONE wants to see my boobs!”. And to also share with you just how strong my faith, my family, and my friends have been just in the three short weeks of this ride. {And though I will never be able to repay all of you people, please know that I will forever try.}
I am rarely at a loss for words. But on this — on cancer, for today, that’s all I can write. Until I find the right words to tell our boys that mommy has cancer, I am not sure how I can tell you much more about it {that is my way of saying please please please don’t mention it in front of them. We are gathering resources to share it in the right way}.
But I will keep writing through it all. Because writing is the thing that allows me to feel in a completely different way. I will write about this intruder in my life as I feel comfortable doing so and in hopes of helping others going through a similar journey, but I will also write about the joys, the boys, the laughter, and all the goodness — both related to cancer and not. I will still write about the middlest’s shenanigans and the littlest being a brute and the oldest bawling his eyes out during Charlotte’s Web. I will still share about friendship and about the man in my life who is the bee’s knees. And I have a feeling I might even start to share a little more about my faith. Because while cancer may be in the title of this chapter, it does not get to be the MAIN character in my life every single day. And my faith is certainly stealing the show as of late.
I have cancer. But right now, cancer does not have me. Life has me. These little boys have me. My husband has me. My friends and family have me. The beautiful fall that is upon us has me. And it has me loving living it every day.
And I will end today with the only words I am never at a loss for: love your people TODAY. Don’t wait. Love them. Today.
 |
| and yes. A selfie. Because good hair days should be documented, friends. |
++Also, one more addendum: if you are the praying type, please shoot up big prayers for me. And for Adam. And the boys. And our parents and families. And all the people already praying for us and supporting us {people are already moving mountains for our family. THANK YOU.} I know, that’s a lot of prayers. But I appreciate it.
You might also like
