It was so innocent. I rented a Red Box. If I was gonna be laid up in bed with a cold, I might as well watch a movie I’d missed seeing in the Theater over Christmas when I was laid out due to Chemo. Love the Coopers. What can I say? I have a thing for Diane Keaton. It is a rule that I must see every single movie that Diane Keaton is in.
And then. The previews came on.
I watched as Toni Collette and Drew Barrymore laughed together at a table. Celebrating. A fortieth birthday. It all started out so fun, it made me want to see what the movie was. So maybe it could be my next Red Box rental. And then… tumor. cancer.
I googled it immediately. I can’t gather if she dies. I couldn’t get that far into the synopsis. But c’mon, it’s called, Miss you already. So, if I were a betting woman…
And this reminded me. Why I’m, why we’re all so freaked out by cancer. At least one of the reasons. I mean, don’t get me wrong, cancer IS scary. Sometimes deadly. Sometimes not. But no matter what, you have to go through quite the process to make it out on the other side. The side called No Evidence of Disease. Or, down the road, cancer-free.
And pop culture doesn’t seem to make the story of cancer any easier. It’s like, healthy happy adults don’t make for good movies, ya know?
So here’s a list of movies I will be steering clear of for the next several years…
1. The Family Stone
Because Diane Keaton. She dies, you guys. She’s there one year for Christmas. And then, the next year, they’re all there. Without her. Heart. Wrenching.
Geeeeeeeeze. I mean. This one is one that I may never be able to watch again. When they’re at the beach house. And Barbara Hershey is sooooo sick. I mean. Ugh. I can’t. Yeah. Probably never again.
3. Miss you already
This one has just been brought to my attention but if Toni Collette is 40 and has cancer and dies… I think I’ll just let that one be.
4. The Fault in our stars
I haven’t had the balls to watch this but it’s like a bonus, right? Not just one but TWO teens with cancer. Amazing flick for the mama with cancer.
5. Steel Magnolias
I know. Shelby doesn’t have cancer. But she’s a young mama. Who just wants to drink her juice and be there for baby Jack.
6. A little bit of heaven
I know that Kate Hudson can be glowingly happy while dying of cancer. I am not sure I could do the same. Though I would love a big funeral party like she has. That’s the only part I could handle.
7. Terms of Endearment
First, it’s filmed in Lincoln, you know? And seriously, what is with all the dying of females in these movies. Is it really that enjoyable for people to watch the movies with the dying and the sadness? Really?
If I had to pick my replacement, I wouldn’t be able to pick someone good enough for my boys and Adam. I just couldn’t. But imagining them without someone else, well, that’s just horrible. But I don’t think Julia Roberts will come to my rescue. So. Susan Sarandon dying and leaving her cute kids. Not gonna do it. Not for a few years.
9. A walk to remember
This used to be my favorite book. I know. I know. But it was. And now. Now I just can’t. Even. Who kills Mandy Moore?!
10. P.S. I love you
This movie just made me bawl. I loved the book. Loved it. But watching how broken Hilary Swank is for a year after Gerard Butler dies is just. too. much. I can’t have that in my head. Or in my life.
So what are the happy ending cancer movies, people? What are the movies where some young 33 year old mom of three boys gets cancer and goes on to live with the love of her life until she’s at least 90. And all of her kids are at her and her husband’s anniversary party with all their grandchildren.
That’s the movie I want to see.
So that’s the one I’m writing in my mind. For me. For my life. I don’t need someone to make that movie. Because it will be the book I write as my life over the next six decades.
I mean, thank goodness Samantha makes it through to the other side on Sex and the City. I would have hated to have to ditch that. No more SATC would have been devastating. And if you’re curious, Meet the Coopers is somewhat weird and terrible. I think I’m gonna go rent the Intern instead. Hopefully no one dies in it. And hopefully, it doesn’t call for Kleenex.