We took a walk. As a family. We often do things like that. As a family. Because that’s how my husband and I grew up. Two parents. Present. Interested. Involved.
Surely, one parent did more but both of our parents were parents.
And if you’re curious of what the definition of parents is, according to Merriam-Webster.com, is:
Full Definition of parent
1a: one that begets or brings forth offspring b: a person who brings up and cares for another
2a: an animal or plant that is regarded in relation to its offspring b: the material or source from which something is derived c: a group from which another arises and to which it usually remains subsidiary
So that’s how we choose to be as parents, specifically 1.b — a person who brings up and cares for another.
We went on a walk. I wanted a candle. And so, we walked to the mall. Because we like to walk 5-strong. Especially when today because the weather is balls. Two boys on bikes. One in a wagon.
When we got to the place with the candles, we left the wagon. The bikes. The helmets. And we went into the store, sniffing, handling. And the boys were making me nervous with each sniff. Because little hands… glass containers. But we take our boys everywhere. Because well, parenting. And there are rules about leaving your kids home with a bowl of water or locked in a kennel.
As I finished paying, the hubs rounded up the by-that-point running in circles boys saying, “alright boys, outside…”
And then, the kind, happy woman said, “Gotta love involved fathers.”
I smiled back. And said, “oh yep!”
…
Me: “UMMMMMMM… Do you know what the woman said after you left?”
Husband: “Nope.”
Me: “Gotta love involved fathers!… I mean, I know she meant well, but seriously. Why… why… why?”
Husband: “Oh yeah, it’s so good that I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.”
…
The woman in the store, she was just being nice. She really did, I believe, think it was lovely that my boys have an “involved father.” But seriously. I’m gonna rant. Sorry. I just have to.
WHY oh why oh why do fathers get kudos when they are involved? Like, my husband is a super great dad. I have no bones about that. I know it to be 100% true. I know “i’m lucky.”
BUT why does the society we live in feel like dads should get a big ol’ high five for doing things that mamas do 24/7? Why do people say things like, “is your husband babysitting tonight?” or “oh, how lucky you are to have a husband who helps put the kids to bed.”
Excuse my french, seriously. But What. The Fuck?
I just don’t get it. It’s 2016. Not 1950. Fathers get to be in the room when the kid is made. And with allll attempts to make the babe. They get to be in the room when the child is delivered. Rather than sitting in the waiting room to hear the news. The way that men father now is extremely evolved from the WW2 generation. Women even work full-time jobs and are the breadwinners because they choose to be {GASP!!!!}!
But yet… when men change a diaper or give a bottle or pull night duty, they are given high praise. They are cheered on. If they, perhaps, take the kids to the store, they are HEROES. Should they, perhaps, take them to the park, well JEEZALOO, hand that man a prize. They are given credit for the tiniest little show of interest in their child. But when a woman does the same, it’s expected. Mamas take kids to run errands. They change their career paths, at times {and more commonly than men, I am totally guessing}. They sometimes even eat meals standing up. But that is all expected. And then some. And if a woman doesn’t do it “good enough” or “the right way” she is ripped apart. Because she’s not being motherly.
I know. I know. Women are “maternal.” They are “made for nurturing.” They are women. And men. Men are workers. And sports enthusiasts. And made for hunting. Right?
Ummmmm. Wrong.
All women are different. All men are different. Moms are not one-size-fits-all, made to fit some mold of what a mom is supposed to be. And fathers are not all dumb neanderthals who haven’t a clue how to wipe a bum or make a meal.
And ya. I have expectations of my husband as a father. Just like I believe he has expectations of me as a mother.
- I expect he will love our children.
- I expect he will be active in their lives.
- I expect that specifically because I am home with our children all day that he will be “involved” in the evening routine. Dinners. Bedtime. Discipline. And play.
- I expect that we will work together to find some sort of way that I have my time, and he has his time.
- I expect that he would be a positive role model of a father so they can someday, if they choose to be, become fathers that are also “involved”
I am sure he has the same expectations of me.
My husband is involved. And I appreciate that of him. I tell him thank you a million times over. And he, me. Because we are co-parents. We are a couple… with three children. He’s fantastic. But him doing what I believe a father should do should not be applauded any louder than mamas deserve.
This is not about the woman at the good smelling candle store. She was truly being kind. Just as so many are when they think they are giving my husband a compliment. Or me a heads up that “I am lucky.” And I am. I mean, sheesh, the guy I chose at 19 ended up being a really great dad. One who I often say is a better parent than I. One who took care of all the kid stuff while I was going through cancer treatment. But joseph, mary, and moses, dads should be “involved.” Dads are not babysitting the kids. They are parenting. Dads are not dumb. They are not inept. They are not incapable of nurturing.
But if we expect them to do nothing, if we never say, “you were the SPERM! 50%!” then why would they all just step up to the plate and actually do more than what pop culture, media, and the like, expect of them?
So to all the “involved” dads out there, congratulations for doing what you should be doing. And to all the mamas who get way less credit than is deserved for doing the whole raising humans schtick day in and day out because that is what is completely expected of you, YOU ARE CRUSHING IT, ladies. Crushing it. And doing a million times more than anyone should ever expect of you. Gotta love involved moms!
