I am in menopause. Have I mentioned that lately? I know. It seems like a pretty personal detail but you’ve seen my boobs so I think we’re close by now. The ovary town is shut down. The estrogen has evacuated the dance floor. My jugs no longer make milk… although that has more to do with the lack of plumbing, I suppose. Because the double mastectomy pretty much cleaned everything out. But yeah, menopause. At 35. It’s a real ride.
And here’s the crazy thing. Given the current plan, I will go back to pre-menopause after five years on the current meds. So yes… I may go through menopause twice. Crazy, right?
So maybe you have been through menopause. Maybe you haven’t. And if you haven’t, have you ever wondered, what’s menopause really like? Well. I am just a newbie to the game but here are a few things I’ve learned about pausing your period…
1. Hot flashes are not hot.
for real. I was out for pizza the other night and if anyone was watching our table, they were probs about to bring over a roll of dolla bills y’all. Because a few sips of beer and the hot waves came a rollin’ in. And I started shedding clothes like it was my job. My face felt flushed. My pits were swampy. And I waved my hands in the air like I just didn’t care to get some wind in my hair. I looked anything but hot. Of that, I am sure. But did I feel hot? One hundred percent.
2. There’s the Sahara and then there’s menopause.
Seriously. Sorry if this makes you uncomfortable but when you see people with pump bottles of lube on their nightstand, I’m gonna go ahead and guess that it’s because mama is like a sandbox. It takes a lot more loosening to get to the juicing, if you catch my drift. And if you don’t I don’t know how I could be any more descriptive. So say yes to lube all day long.
3. Sweet tooth city
I have long been the type who prefers savory to sweet. Apps over dessert. And we could have boxes of Girl Scout cookies sit unopened in clear sight for a year. But now? Give me all the sweet things. I never understood craving chocolate. Or pie. Or donuts. And now I laugh at my former self as I spray the can of whip cream straight into my mouth.
4. In the heat of the night
The other night I slept with a wind machine on me. An overhead fan on. The window open. And covers thrown to the side. Because hotness. Not every night. But when it’s there, you constantly search for the cold side of the pillow.
5. Metabolism shmebabolism
Seriously. I know that in the last ten years I have had three babies, one miscarriage, breast cancer, and turned 35. But truly, it is harder than ever to oust the lumpy bag of mice that has inhabited my bum cheeks. I feel like I might have healthier habits than I ever have and yet, muscle tone seems to be stingier than ever when it comes to sticking to the bones. And if I wasn’t over it before, it’s made me even further committed to staying OFF the scale because the numbers seem less agreeable about budging in the “pause.” Just life’s lesson that your body is a wonderland just for carrying your baggage around all the time.
Other things that I have to keep an extra eye on by cause of menopause include: bone loss (I have a scan annually to measure), oral health (regular dental checkups per the uzh), and any disinterest in sex (I have a sex Therapist in my contacts) because life’s too short to miss out on the action [in the bedroom].
Really though, over all, I have faired pretty darn well, it seems. Maybe this is because my mom had minimal effects and I am following in her footsteps. Or perhaps it’s just because I’m so happy to not have cancer that the side effects I’ve encountered so far seem pretty tolerable {but I’m guessing this is not the case as some of my survivor friends have had major issues and they are obviously also happy to be cancer-free}. But I would say, there have even been good parts… no crimson wave, I rarely have to shave any parts of my body, my skin is agreeing with no crazy ups and downs, and the hormones that were feeding cancer in my body… they’ve been given the ol middle finger and told to shove off. So while menopause is definitely quite “the change” it really hasn’t been so bad. Plus it’s given me even further insight into yet another stage of life… one that I am seriously freaking happy to get to have.
Because really, we’re women. Our bodies are both miraculous and muddled. We start with hormonal changes as teenagers and maybe have babies and then our hormones — estrogen and progesterone — wreak havoc in our system causing everything from fibroids to acne to cancer. So bidding those effects adieu earlier than some, I can’t say that’s all bad.
Even if I am in hot flash city. Even if my Girl Friday is drier than a cotton ball on occasion. And even if my weight holds steady. It’s not so bad. Because as my friend Patty says, “women are made to be warriors.”
And I guess the change can do you good.
