“No. I want to make it in da my-cwhoa-wave.”
“But it’s a TOASTER strudel, bud.” IT’S A FREAKING CONVENIENCE FOOD FOR GOLLY SAKES. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE CONVENIENT. NOT NECESSITATE PRE-HEATING OR RAPID PRE-HEATING OR A 9-MINUTE TIMER.
“I wanna make it in da my-cwhoa-wave.”
“But look, here’s a picture right here of the toaster. It’s made for the toaster. It’s not made for the microwave. I wouldn’t even know how to time it for the microwave.” YES. USE THE DRAWINGS! HE CAN’T READ! PERFECTION. GOOD TRICK, MAMA.
“WOOK! Wad is dis? A pan?”
OH BLESS. DAMN ILLUSTRATIONS. “Yes. A pan. Apparently you CAN make them in an oven. But that requires pre-heating and it will take much longer.” NOTE TO SELF: NEVER USE TRICKS TO OUTWIT CHILDREN. THEY WILL THEN USE THEM AGAINST YOU.
“YES. YES. I wanna make it in the oven.”
“Okay. But you realize it will take twice as long if not more. And you realize it will be verrrrrry hot. And then you will probably want to let it cool because it will burn your hands and your tongue.” OHDEARGOODNESS I’VE RESORTED TO THREATS OF BURNING BODY PARTS.
“Ya. Oven. I wike it hot.”
Oven pre-heated. Pan in. Timer set. WHY AM I MAKING A FREAKING TOASTER STRUEDEL IN THE OVEN? AM I A TOTAL PUSHOVER? NO. I AM DOING THIS BECAUSE IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL. THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL AND IT IS NOT MY HILL TO DIE ON. RIGHT? RIGHT.
“Mommy. Is it done yet?”
“Nope. 7 minutes left.” BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE 30 SECONDS AGO IF WE HAD MADE THE TOASTER STRUDEL IN THE TOASTER.
“Mommy. Is it done now?”
“Nope. You will hear the timer go, see that, I have the timer set on the oven.” YES. THAT WILL MAKE HIM NOT ASK AGAIN. BECAUSE HE’LL WATCH THE TIMER. OBVIOUSLY.
“Mommy. Is it done NOW??? Dis is taking fo-eva.”
“Just two more minutes.” AND YES. IT TAKES 90 TIMES LONGER TO MAKE SOMETHING CALLED A TOASTER STRUDEL IN THE NON-TOASTER. AND NOW THAT I SAY THAT TO MYSELF I AM REALIZING THAT PERHAPS THE “OVEN” INSTRUCTIONS WERE FOR A TOASTER OVEN. BUT IT WOULDN’T MATTER BECAUSE HE WOULDN’T CARE BECAUSE IT HAS THE WORD “OVEN.”
BE-BEEEP. BE-BEEEP. BE-BEEEP.
“Mommy! It’s done! Don’t buwn it. K? You take id out so id doesn’t get bwack stuff on id, k?”
“Right on top of that Rose.”
“Who’s Rose?”
“Nevermind. Here you have it! Your TOASTER-MADE-IN-THE-OVEN STRUDEL.” THIS HAD BETTER BE THE BEST GALL DARN TOASTER STRUDEL OF YOUR LIFE.
“Mommmmmy!! It’s too hot! I don’t fink I wand it.”
“Naturally.”
….
A mostly accurate reenactment of life with a four-year-old aka why mothers go insane. Exhibit 4,972.
