Of the three things I noted in a prior blogpost regarding surprises of parenthood, the largest adjustment and perhaps, most “lifechanging” {outside of the actual 24/7/365 permenance of our perfect little peanut} has been the isolation of becoming a stay at home mom. Of course, it’s hard to be lonely when I am watching soaps, getting manis and pedis and shopping every day, but somehow, I still manage.
I hate to even admit this, but after I met Adam, I had a sense of relief and not simply because I had met the love of my life but also due to the fact that I believed I would never have to be out there again. Having formed many “serious” friendships during late high school and college and then also finding my husby, I firmly believed I was set. I had my mate, I had my friends… I was good to go. After I joined Adam in Austin, I realized that I was once again having to “date” again. Adam’s enginerd friends were all dudes and though dudes are great {less drama, less judging, less maintenance} they simply cannot replace girlfriends. Bless his heart, Adam would talk celeb rag mags with me, peruse the shelves of my fave store Sephora, and even offered to get his tootsies done with me but no matter how hard he tried, he was still a dude {thank goodness!}.
Trying to find people who didn’t already have their set of college friends who had remained in the same city and finding people who didn’t find me totally over the top was sure to be a tough feat and one that I so did not want to participate in. Getting out there again was brutal. Getting dressed up to go out when I really just wanted to sit on the couch and watch Dawson’s Creek reruns with someone who could appreciate the true cinematic genius behind the show seemed like a chore and being a newlywed, I wanted to spend every free moment with my lova. I felt so lonely after moving away from the life that I’d grown so comfy in and the thought of reestablishing myself at that point seemed like such an overwhelming task. Even with my resistance, a few wonderfully fantastic girls befriended me and put up with my lack of enthusiasm for finding friendship.
The move to Omaha allowed me to become lazy on the friend front once again. I moved back to a group of girls whom I loved in college and who already knew my quirks and oddities and loved me despite those things. I was in a job where I found my boss fascinating, I worked in an atmosphere that utilized my talents and I felt as if I had come into my own.
After having Barrett, I stressed over the decision to stay home full-time. He was such a peanut {and an angry one at that} and I was afraid a daycare center might swallow him whole. I had so many worries surrounding returning to work … would I be able to drop a baby who screamed and fussed all day long off for someone else to care for all day, every day … would the amount of money we would be putting toward daycare make me crazy … how would I balance work, house, baby, huband… would Barrett still know me if he was with others all day? And of course I had concerns about staying home …could we make it financially… would I lose my identity … would I still be fascinating to Adam {assuming I was in the first place} … would I be a good SAHM … would I regret giving up the best job I’d ever had … could I go without the things I love to spend money on … and on and on.
In the ongoing list of concerns, I did not take into account one biggie: How would I make friends. I know, I said I already have my friends but just as a move, a career change, etc, staying home requires a whole new set of friends. Oh and if you think that the addresses of all SAHMs are provided in the parenting manual they give you at the hospital, wrong-o my friends. In the past eight months, I’ve found myself wishing they would give every mom the opportunity to purchase a t-shirt at the hospital that says “I am a mom and I want mom friends. My baby is ___ old”. But, alas, this is not an offering and thus, moms everywhere — stay at home and otherwise are stuck trying to find people who are cool, have kids and don’t hate the way to you want to parent. And so, OPERATION: M(eet) O(ther) M(oms) has been launched.
From what I’ve gleaned, it seems that there are two types of SAHMs. The first group are the moms who believe that they should be every thing in every moment to their child — that is, after all, why they are staying at home. The second group are the moms who have enough money to stay home and find a nanny for running errands, buying new clothes, and anything else their little hearts desire. As far as I can see so far, I do not fit into either of these categories. While I LOVE Barrett and think he’s the bee’s knees, I do need a breather every once in awhile… an opportunity to be Ashli. And, on the flipside, I do not possess the resources to be galavanting around while a nanny parents my peanut… and nor would I really want to do this multiple days of the week.
So, how to find the mommas in the middle? I’ve been lucky enough to have met one person who has opened my eyes to other SAHMs who seem to enjoy my company and likewise, I enjoy them. I’ve joined MOPS, which is a Christian-based group of moms {some work, some work part-time, and some stay home full-time} and have been able to meet a few moms that I jive with there and have been invited to a playgroup of mops moms. I’ve also been lucky to have a friend who has some week days off so we try to catch up every once and awhile. But even with these mommas, I feel the need to meet more. I question women at the gym “how old is your babe? Do you stay home”, at Target “one of those days, huh? Do you stay home?” and even friends of friends “do you have any friends that stay home that I don’t know?”. I am freaky stalker SAHM and I am certain that there are posters up around town warning moms of my overbearing nature.
But even with a small group of homers, there are obstacles. Being a mom means that not only do you have a nap, feeding and awake time schedule, so do all those other moms and it is not always possible to match these schedules up. And if you want to do anything else outside of the house one day then that’s usually not a good day to try to fit in a playdate as well. So you likely get one or two days a week where you can see other moms {if you’re lucky} and the rest, you are having the majority of your convo with a babbling {but adorable} babe. And… the reality is, if I don’t return to work until after all of our kiddos are in kindergarten, I will have even more scheduling and less time to spend with adults.
For now, OPERATION: MOM is in the early stages and I can only hope that as Barrett ages, so does my ability to swoon other SAHMs. But until then, I am looking for cool moms who want friends. If you know any, give them my number. If you don’t know any, perhaps you could stay home so we could hang out every day.
