I often tell Adam that I currently face a constant battle of living for the future. My mind is fluttered daily with the thought that “it will be easier when…”.
It will be easier when I’ve completed breastfeeding. It will be easier when Jonah naps predictably. It will be easier when I have energy to make it past 8:00 on a school night. It will be easier when…
This is not something unique to parenthood. At least not for me. It is something that I’ve often found myself dealing with in times where I feel like I’m living in between. In between the temporary solution and the permanent normal. When I was dating and Adam was going to move, I told myself that everything would be roses when if we were to ever get engaged. When we were engaged, it was going to all fall into place when we got married. When I moved, it would be perfection once I landed my first real-world gig. When I got the gig, it would be easier when I started making real money… you name a scenario…I, at times, had a thought of an easier when time. And then, of course, in the times when, I sometimes view hindsight as perfection. A parental paradox.
With Barrett, it really did feel easier when I was finished breastfeeding. It felt easier when he started sleeping through the night. It felt easier when he wasn’t crying, cringing and crabby. Or at least it appeared easier because over time, the life that we lived with children became our new normal. And then we had Jonah. And while I didn’t feel nearly as tumultuous change to life as I did with our first belly aching Barrett, there has still been a learning curve and a time of transition. Jonah still battles stomach crippling constipation and afternoon crabbies which send my sails to the seas. And Barrett still occasionally battles being a toddler which puts my patience in the pot. And these moments… hours… sometimes, days… are when I tell myself it will be easier when. We so plan and hope to add a third child to our hearts and home and yet, with each child, there’s a bit of adjustment that occurs… an easier when period.
I sometimes think of my world as currently being on hold. Is that just awful? I stated to some friends recently that I sometimes feel as if I am currently doing everything for my children and that there will come a time when I pick back up where I left off on me. I look at the mom with children in school and tell myself that’s when it will be easier. I see people with fancy cars and perfect houses and tell myself that’s when it will be easier. I think of having xxx amount of dollars in the bank and believe that will make it easier. And ultimately, convince myself that the magical mythical moment in which we have it all figured out and all in line, it will be easier.
And while I don’t sit around all day thinking such things, I have to remind myself when I do that I am being nothing other than simply silly. The moment that we are living is now. It is not tomorrow. It is not three weeks or three years or three decades from now. And what I’m living is not even hard. There are people that are dealing with hard. And it’s not a screaming, discontent babe or a lack of trendy clothing in their closet. Today, as we all know, is the only guaranteed moment. The moment that we can account for and use to the fullest extent.
Right now is our moment when. It is the only moment in which our babies will be 3 and 8 months. It is the only guaranteed moment with 4 healthy grandparents, a whole slew of wonderful aunts and uncles, and 9 boy cousins. It is the time when my 3 year old will wrap his arms around me and giggle. The only time when my 8 month old will let me rock him in the wee small hours. It is the time when the simple things in life apply. No crazy weekends running from one sporting event to the next. No teenagers who think we are awful and stupid. No teachers calling to tell us our children have homework to do. These are simple times. Easier times. And I know that, in thinking about future easy times, I sometimes forget to live the current craziness and love it for what it is.
I often pray that God will bless me with the ability to continue to have gratitude for each moment. To not let my mind take over my heart. Because I am extremely blessed and so are so many I know. And my life has been anything but hard…so why do I think it needs to get easier?
I think that one of the most challenging aspects of having kids is the constant struggle between wanting to be everything for them and realizing that may be impossible. And so, I hope that tomorrow, I can be thankful for exactly what it is. Neither easy nor hard…just a life worth loving and living. It’s just that easy…:)
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