Wednesday was a day. Harrison bellied up to the Breastaurant every hour to two. And basically ate me out of house and home. Nursing anywhere from fifty minutes to an hour and a half with each sucking sesh. And had absolutely no interest in being set down at any point. At all. Or being put in a carrier of any kind. And so changing the middlest’s diaper… Well that was a feat. As was prepping lunch. And unpairing the tiniest of Lego combination {shouldn’t there be a tool for this by now?!}. And I played taxi to three boys. To pre-school. To the doctor. To haircuts. By the end of the day I felt completely overused.
I know. I am a stay-at-home mom again. So what I just described, well that’s basically my job description, right?
Job description or not, those days, the Wednesdays, are the days that I find myself thinking that though I have had on-again, off-again periods of staying home full-time with my children, I may not be on my A game right now.
I’ve been fortunate to stay home with my children when we’ve deemed it necessary. People always want me to acknowledge that I am lucky to have the option. And I will. But I will also say that specifically after we birthed our first pre-prime peanut, we just took a leap of faith and hoped it would all work out. When they were smaller than the average bear. When they have been colicky. When they’ve had surgeries. And when I wasn’t emotionally ready to drop them at daycare. In those times, I do believe I was fortunate to not have to juggle childcare and duties outside of the home.
But, man alive… After 5 years, I still don’t know if I’m cut out for this. It can be pretty intense. What I do know, is that this week I came to a conclusion. And that is, I need a babysitter.
For me. So I guess I actually need a mamasitter.
I was talking with my mom recently {hi, mom!} and was sharing that I just don’t do well with the whole baby business. Don’t get me wrong, I love these three fellas. And Little is undoubtedly the very best babe we’ve ever had {like pennies from Heaven}. So I am still lucky to stay home. But just as I’ve said before, I shared with my mom how the days can sometimes feel dreadfully long without any adult interaction. How I like to get out of the house. And exercise some self-respect when it comes to personal hygiene. And how I can feel lonely. And you know what she said? I never loved that part either.
And you know what I felt? Relief.
My mom stayed home with us. Adam’s mom stayed home with her brood. And so, part of me has always felt like I was broken for not loving every minute. For not wanting to always be thankful for the spit-up. For feeling guilty for wanting to not change another diaper. And for the days where a career other than this, may be more suitable for me. I really believed that our mothers’ generation, loved it all-embraced every minute- and ne’er experienced a bad day. Because I think that was the expectation… Buck up, do it, like it, and don’t complain. And so hearing my mom say that she thought it was less than a walk in the park… Hearing my mother-in-law talk about the parts, the days that were less than glorious…That is relief.
So why do I need a mamasitter, you might ask…
I like being home. I like having the time with my kids. I like the flexibility and logistical ease of our current life. I’m not trying to make an argument that it is harder or easier than going to an office every day. That is a different topic for a different day. But the part I would change in a heartbeat for my personality, is the lack of adult interaction. Even though I have three beautiful children with me, it can feel like I’m very isolated from reality.
So when I had a good friend visit last week, it was a bright spot. And this week, one of my sorority sista-friends was able to visit and spend a couple mornings with us, her darling niece in tow. And the older children played, the babe and I snuggled, and adult interaction was had. It was freaking fantastic. When my two older boys bickered, I could laugh it off a little easier. When the babe pooped up his back, I got a good chuckle. When I had to use the restroom, I could do so in a timely manner. And we had double the hands to make lunch. And corral kidaloons. All a treat, fo sho. The same can be said for the one day a week that the great and powerful super nanny is still coming to visit. There’s just strength in numbers. And sanity in knowing that others see it as challenging to stay home, even if it doesn’t seem like rocket science.
So I’m now accepting applications. This is an unpaid internship for the role of mamasitter. The hours are negotiable. And there is no experience necessary. People who like quiet and clean work environments, need not apply. Must love children. And crazy mamas.
