The oldest came into our room last night after they’d been put down for the night. He said, “I’m scared. I keep hearing a sound in my room.”
“Come here,” I said. “I get being scared. Let’s talk about it, k? One of my friends gave me a fear plan today. For when your scared. And I think it would work for you.”
We talked about the sound, how scared it made him and what the worst thing the sound could be. We talked about actions to take when he is scared. “You could come tell mom and dad,” I said. “Or I could turn on my reading light,” he offered. “Or you could pray,” prompted the hubs.
“Yes,” I said “you could say, God I am scared right now because I’m uncertain but I know you’ve got me.” And as I said his prayer, I knew it was my prayer, too, because from things that go bump in the night all the way to cancer, people get scared. And they have to find ways to cope.
He snuggled in for awhile. A while longer than I would usually be willing to give. But cancer, people, cancer.
As he lay by my side, he asked us what our highs and lows of the day were. And I could think of so many highs, and just one itty bitty low that started with c. And that made me smile and snuggle him tighter. That he was able to remind me of all the highs, even amongst the low. And I was so thankful for those unexpected moments.
When I awoke this morning, I was unsettled. I read my daily devotional, I did some breathing exercises but I still didn’t have the stomach to eat. I was jittery and at moments, shed a few tears here and there.
But I walked in with my Wonder Woman gear and scads of armor I’ve recently acquired, and I did it. I did my first round of chemo. And it went great!! The nurses were incredible, the pharmacists were fantastic, and the hubs was with me all day. It went off without a hitch, so to speak. {and yes! I have an arm port which is apparently hip and trendy!}
To give you a little timeline… I will do 6 rounds of chemotherapy (today’s took 6 hours… That will not be typical). I will have a round every 3 weeks for 18 weeks total. After that is complete, I will continue getting Herceptin chemotherapy for a year. Following the first 18 weeks, I will undergo a double mastectomy (I figure if one doesn’t like me, the other is likely to turn on me at some point) and after a little surgery recovery, I will have 6 weeks of radiation. And then, reconstruction {that’s where I get the plump n perkies}. It will be a process but a process that we believe will lead to recovery. {and seriously, to the people who kept my kids today… You are in my will… Well, not really… But kinda}.
It felt so good to start chemo today. It felt like I was starting to oust this intruder. And I know that there will be some difficult days ahead but tonight, I am celebrating with a drink! {don’t worry, the docs are cool with that}
As I snuggled with my boy last night, I knew that we all have fears. We can all ask for prayers. And we all have bumps in the road of life. And I remembered once again that there’s never any regret that comes from snuggling just a little bit longer just to shake the fears off a bit.
