I once took a gig where the sole duty was making phone calls. From home. Perfect! Or so I thought. But have you ever tried to talk on the phone with children in your midst? Or better yet, been on the receiving end? The idea that I could make it through A phone call, let alone lists upon lists in a timely manner with my children on my heels, well… that was severely misguided. Children see a phone to their mother’s ear as a green light to go completely batshit crazy. And do things like color on couches, or their faces, or pour out every Cheerio in an entire box, start their own version of Fight Club, or suddenly need me to help them remember how to breathe, and so on.
And it is for this reason that I basically feel like I can never answer my phone or make calls throughout the day. Because my children plot their whole day around the chance that I might actually try to accomplish the normal, daily, life task of making phone calls. And then they take those opportunities to take down the empire. Don’t believe me? When I do talk to people, like my sister {who has 2 cherubs of her own so we can hang just fine}… well, it’s basically a trip to crazytown.
Hey. How’s it going? Don’t hang on the refrigerator. Stop.
Not too shabby.
Where are the scissors, then go get them What are you up to?
Not much. What about you? If you do that one more time, I’m going to take it away.
Just changin’ lives and formin’ young minds.
Whadja guys do last night? Okay. I am going to count from 10. And if you can’t figure it out, I’m taking that.
We had swim lessons. What about you guys?
We didn’t do much. It took 4 hours to do toys away and so that was pretty much our… Okay. I am counting now. 10. 9. 8. Thank you. …Night.
How were the appointments yesterday?
Good. We were actually in the 1st percentile for weight and the 4th for head. And Jonah was in the 35th for height. Big time. Yes, you may have a snack. So that was exc– yes. water, too. Get your cup. Because I never feed them.
What do you have going on this weekend?
We’re just hanging out. It’s supposed to rain I think. Or be hot. One or the other. Yes. You may have a show. Auntie Danielle. That’s who I’m talking to.
Yeah. It rained here yesterday but I don’t think we’re supposed to get any more rain. Yes. I teach 2nd grade. I had that class again yesterday and we got out early. Like two hours.
So did you go home or did you do something secret?
I came home and worked out. Who have I become? Get off the table. Can I send him to you?
Sure. Send him my way. Who have you become? Yes. I said yes. You may have a show. Do you see that I have a phone up to my ear?
It’s just the perfect time for them to need us more. Did I tell you about my car recall?
I think so. Yes. My kids are being too quiet.
Just one second… You jump on that couch one more time and you get no show, you hear me? No, we’re not watching the DVDs. She’s discovered the DVDs. They’re everywhere now. Do. Not. Jump… I gotta go.
{SCREAMING AND CRYING from upstairs} Me, too.
K, bye. Talk to you in 20 years. Love ya.
Yeah. Love ya.
So if I don’t pick up when you call, it’s because I’m sparing you a complete waste of your time. This phase of my life will come and go, but for now, if you really want to chat, text me, maybe.
