When the Littlest was in the NICU, they had a saying, “every day is a new day”. Because some days, we would go in and he would have had a great night, ate well, gained ounces, and everything was roses. And then, the next day, well… You’d feel like you had taken two steps back.
And since that experience, I find that reminder to be applicable in every part of life. Every day is, in fact, a new day.
And yesterday, I had kind of a day. There was no reason for it. Truly. I didn’t get any news. I didn’t have a fever. And the last week and a half have been wonderful. WONDERFUL. In fact, in the last week and a half, I have felt normal. Familiar. Like I don’t have cancer.
And then yesterday, I remembered. I have cancer. I am fighting cancer. There is no guarantee that my cancer isn’t everywhere. We know it’s definitely in my breast. We know it’s definitely in two lymph nodes. That, we know. And so yesterday, when my ribs were sore, I started thinking, what if it’s everywhere? What if I go through all of this and it’s in my bones? What if…
The what ifs in life are not unique to cancer, of course. They follow us all around like the devil trying to intrude into our lives. But man, sometimes, those what ifs can drive you mad.
The reality is… I have cancer. And as I’ve said before, part of that reality is realizing that no matter what lies ahead, I will have always had cancer. And when I think about that… When I realize that for me being a 30 year survivor will only make me 63, that gets me a little. Because I want to be a 55 year survivor. I want to never have a recurrence. I want to feel like I don’t have to live life in fear of the what ifs.
A lot of days, that is totally how it is. I feel free of anxiety. I feel like the fact that the tumor is shrinking is positive. I remind myself that the chemo is attacking any and every cancer cell that might be roaming around in my body. And I feel strong. Brave. Confident. And positive. When you see that from me, or feel it in my words, it’s authentic and real. I don’t put on a show. I share the highs and lows with a ridiculous amount of authenticity. Because that’s what life is… Highs and lows.
And then, there are down days like yesterday where I call my nurse Angels and say, “I know we’ve talked about this but can you reassure me again?”
And they do. They reassure me that the fact that I have what is called “angiolymphatic invasion” {just a fancy wording to mean the cells may have floated in the blood to other places. A way that they determine whether chemo is necessary} does not mean I am going to die from this. They reassure me that, as I shared the other day, the chemo is working. And they reassure me that my (mostly) positive attitude is helping me rock this.
So what’s a girl to do when she has a day? I put on a tshirt from my tribe. And all my “wrist gear”. I cried a few tears {way less than the last breakdown a few weeks back}, e-mailed a few of my survivor friends, I hugged my husband, I talked to my sister, we got out of the house for dinner, I hugged my kids, I texted with a couple girlfriends about my kid’s latest poop shenanigans, I prayed, I got a good night’s sleep, and I am reminding myself this morning that today is a new day {as my husband laughed at me because I am writing this on my phone, in the bathtub}. And that is a good thing.
I have cancer. Every so often, I remember that and it’s scary. But I have a curable cancer. I have a cancer that people survive. And I have a lot of life left to survive for.
So today. It’s a new day. And so, I have to smile and be thankful for that. That I was able to wake up this morning, get out of bed, and remind myself that every little thing is gonna be all right.
Every. Day. Is. A. New. Day.
Good things are going to happen.
