I’ve had a bit of a day. I know, I know… I’m allowed. I have cancer. Heck. We’re all allowed. We have life, right?
I have been feeling even keel. Cool as a cuke. Positive. Happy. Content. Downright joyful. I really have.
And then, today. I crashed. But not like Crashli crashed. Like, emotional crash. I’ve had a day.
They called yesterday with my possible surgery date. So maybe that’s why I had a meltdown. I have a pain in my arm and a little bump. Maybe that’s why I’m emotionally crazed. I am nearly done with chemo and mentally just want to make it to that last session without any interruptions. Maybe that’s why I’m frazzled.
Whatever the reason, it’s been a day.
So what’s a girl to do on days like these? What are we supposed to do when our thoughts feel heavier than the weight we can carry? What do we do when we don’t know exactly why we are emotional or low or sad, but we are?
As the Oldest reminded me last night, “we are not meant to have just one emotion” {thank you, Inside Out}. So I think I’ve been pretty fortunate to be on such a good “run”. But today, today was meant for tears.
The day started out just fine. I’ve definitely been more zapped energy-wise this round. But I got up, made my bed, opened the blinds, and was ready for the day like normal. I dropped the kids off at school {which took forrrrrrever because of weather}. But the children were gemstones. And the Littlest and I returned home for a playdate with a fellow “thriver”.
Sure, I cried a little during a Facebook video today… I was talking about being cancer-free and I teared up. And I felt myself getting a little emotional as my Thriver friend and I were talking about treatment. Especially when I said, “I just want to be here when they go to college.” I should have known then, the emotions were simmering.
Then, after I put the boys down for a nap, I just felt anxious. So, I mentally went through my toolbox. I put on my Wonder Woman suit. I called my oncologist about the bump on my arm. He was very cool about it. And scheduled me to see him tomorrow. I called my therapist to schedule an appointment. They are able to get me in soon. I tried watching some meaningless television. But I was still antsy. Still all up in my mind. I tried calling one of my angel nurses. And then, the other. I wrote a FEAR plan out. I texted a friend to come over this evening. And then, I texted the hubs, “can you chat?”
He called a few minutes later. “I’m just having a day,” I told him. I proceeded to dump my thoughts on him. I cried. Not like happy tears — the ones I’ve had so much of recently. Like sad, scared, confused tears. I started throwing out what ifs. I told him I was sorry for having such a breakdown. And that I hadn’t faked one day of the last three months. That all the happiness and positivity and optimism has been real. But that today, I was scared. And sad. I told him I still have fears that the cancer is all over my body sometimes. I have fears that I won’t make it to the 5 year mark. That I never thought I’d be 33 and thinking about 5 year survival rates. I told him I was sorry I wasn’t being strong. And that I don’t know why it’s been a day. But it has.
He told me it was okay. It’s okay to have a day. And he’s right. It’s okay to have a day. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be scared. And then he told me, “let’s concentrate on the positive what ifs… What if it’s all gone and in April, you are done with treatment?”
And then I said, “I don’t know what I am supposed to do next.”
“And that’s okay,” he reminded me. “I want you to make a list. Not a bucket list because you’re not dying. A list of 10 things you want to do next, places you want to go, things you want to see, what book you’re going to write… Or they can be small things.”
“Okay. Okay. I will. I told him.”
And then, I told him sorry for bothering him at work. And he told me I’m never a bother.
It’s been a day. I’ve cried some sad tears. I’ve felt scared. I’ve felt uneasy. But the one major difference this time around is that I went through my coping toolbox.
I talked about it out loud. I shed real emotion. I made a FEAR plan. I thought of the worst case scenario and decided that was highly unlikely. I called my doctors and took action to see them. I ended up getting to talk with two of my favorite nurses. I told them my fears. And I asked God again to move my mountain. And even though I felt irrational, I still felt strong. Because I was talking it out. Owning my emotions. Being vulnerable. And processing the hard.
And then another friend dropped in and I got to see her face as she told me, “Ashli. The devil is just trying to get to you.”
Perhaps she is right. Regardless of reasoning, I was off my game today. And this time around, I didn’t feel so guilty about it. I don’t feel so crazy now. I feel like even if I didn’t have cancer, I’d still have days. And I’d have to get through them, just the same.
I’m off to make my list. And drink a Diet Coke. I might cry some more. I might have cried enough. Only time will tell.
It’s been a day. We all have them. I don’t win the prize on having days just because I have cancer. And I am not the only one who gets to feel okay about it. We all have them. Because days happen. And we have to acknowledge them to thrive. We have to say, “this is a hard day. I am scared. I am sad. And that happens”. We have to lean on others when it gets hard. And share our fears out loud. I really do think that’s the only way I can get the thoughts to leave my mind. Is to send them out my mouth. Or through my words.
I think we also have acknowledge that it’s unnatural for every day to be golden. Because that, well, that would be too easy. And life isn’t easy. {this is where I feel it necessary to make the joke “pimpin’ ain’t easy, either”. Because I just can’t resist.} So just know that if you have been having a day… or a week… or a time… or a season… that happens. But there are ways to cope. So you don’t have to feel so alone.
I’m hoping tomorrow is better. And I’m thinking tonight will include wine.
Because, it’s been a day.
