So This is Growing Up…

Saturday, following a trip to the gym, I drove over to Quizno’s to grab some MSPI (milk/soy protein intolerance) friendly grub. The boys manning the counter at the sandwich shop were quite helpful and even humored my request to read the label of the mayo before slopping it on my selection. I found myself at the cash register ready to check out, minding my own business and looking through my billfold when it happened… what I can now only describe as the child behind the counter uttered “Thank you ma’am, have a nice day.” I wish that I would have had a camera to capture the befuddled look upon my face as I snatched the sack and scurried for the door. I hopped in the Jeep and the word played over and over “Ma’am… ma’am… ma’am“. While I understand that he was simply being well-mannered, this young man who I otherwise would have guessed to be in my age bracket had labeled me as a ma’am. Not a Miss or just someone less deserving of a title of respect, but a ma’am. I do appreciate the intentions of the dude who doled out my dish but I was so taken aback… when did I become a ma’am?

I am sure I am completely confusing to most people because this instance was simply a stranger trying to be polite and it’s not as if he called me Madam and labeled me as a hooker, however there is something to be said for the significance of a young boy having greeted me in the same way he may address his mother’s friends… it means I am old. Really, old. Not old like get out my cane and my depends but rather, established and mature. Boy oh boy, that’s a lot to handle. I am just getting used to being a mommy … one in charge of a whole human and attempting to not mess him up for eternity … and now, I have to deal with being a ma’am.

I drove home through the rain and rocked out to the tunes on the radio. As I belted out Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” I came to a realization… I will never be the American Idol. While I am not saying that I ever thought that my reality would include the opportunity to croon for Cowel & Co. or that I even have a lick of talent in the singing department, there was always the possibility that I was young and crazy and could take off with a moment’s notice to vye for the Idol posish, to fly away for a spontaneous weekend away or to take 3 hours window shopping just because I wanted to. Now, Adam and I have Barrett counting on us so such random acts would seem a bit silly at times. Somewhere between sorority life and 27, I grew up… I just wish someone would have told me.

I think that until I had Barrett, I believed myself to be responsible for nothing and free as a bird… and on the advice of John Cougar Mellencamp was holding onto 16 as long as I could. I have friends who have always seemed extremely mature and responsible… I just wouldn’t have put myself in the same category. It was only just recently that I started to realize it is just silly for me to go into Wet Seal at the mall, it is mildly inappropriate for me to wear t-shirts that say things like “Not everything is flat in Nebraska” and it is becoming less cute to want to wear flip flops with bows or obnoxious pink sequins. I am not complaining that my life has gone to the dogs or that I am too old to be youthful and just as cool as I can be, but I am saying, perhaps it’s time to reevalute shopping in the Jr. department at Dillards and wondering why they don’t make little girls’ shoes in adult sizes. In all of life’s many twists and turns, there are points at which you realize your life has changed. This is one of those pivotal moments for me and I am ready to take on whatever is next on the agenda.

In one of the many action items on the aforementioned agenda of Operation: Ashli’s Life, it is no secret that I am currently stewing over whether or not returning to my job is the right thing for myself and for the Brehm bunch. As I hold Barrett each day and I look into his sweet little soul, I find myself asking what the future holds… if I am following my heart… my dreams … and truly living the best life I can. Before Barrett, these questions seemed idyllic and sophomoric; those of a naive teen waiting to burst out into the world. But with this little person who has the whole world ahead of him, it seems only appropriate to ponder such things and to truly ask yourself if you are taking full advantage of the gift of life. While I love the life of working in non-profit and I adore campaigning for such a worthy and real cause, I also find myself thinking “What do I want to be when I grow up?”. It is a lot to be a wife, a mother, a ma’am, and still my own person and I want to make sure I am doing it up right. I contemplate daily how we will instill these same ideals in Barrett… to dream big, follow those dreams and to be exactly who he is. I think it appropriate that a ma’am ponder the possibilities.

Barrett has his two month appointment today and I am amazed that those months have come and gone. Each day, without fail, our little boy is growing up and before we know it, the years will have flown by and his bouts of fussiness, dirty diapers and somewhat confusion for the world around him will be a distant memory. I only hope that before they start flying by, we can figure out how to become parents. Although, much like becoming a ma’am, I am sure it has already happened without us even knowing and we will look back some day and just hope we did the best we could for the time that we had. I just hope we can teach Barrett such kind manners… and to never call a woman ma’am … always Miss.