I like to think that we all have a little OCD. Whatever brand you have, you likely know it. Barrett likes to organize objects. Specifically, he likes to line up all of his cars. Since he was less than one, this is a ritual that takes place over and over, daily. I like to make lists. It’s a {rare} obsessive compulsive trait I have. In true woman fashion, I add things to the list I’ve done just to cross them off. While I have lists in many forms {Cozi, Google, Random scribbles on random envelopes} I prefer paper lists to apps. I prefer making my own little boxes to check beside each item and I prefer to pen such lists with none other than my fave Pilot G2 pens. It’s my way of keeping things in order.
As I find myself wading deeper and deeper into the waters of the third trimester and Grin makes my belly go round, my lists grow by leaps and bounds. I am in full nest. I am experiencing some internal organized chaos. I suppose I am in a bit of denial regarding reality. We will soon be a family of 4. Adam and I will be parents to 2. Barrett will be brother to 1. Aye yi yi.
Don’t get me wrong. Adam and I love Barrett more than we love delicious breakfast on a weekend morning, a really great Cabernet Sauvignon or snuggling with one another. As I often say, Barrett makes life better than we ever thought it could be. So much more than we ever could have known we wanted. But in truth, while lists are a great way to organize my tasks and objectives, I feel I can’t properly emotionally prepare for Grin without taking a trip down memory lane through the harried first months of parenthood.
Let’s be real… I wasn’t in love with the whole infant thing with Barrett. If you’ve been reading BOTB forever, you know that Barrett was a bit of a work of heart for me … the screaming, the spitting, the meals sans milk and of course, the around the clock two.five hour feeding schedule that ensued. Had I known how great he would be at 10 months, at year one, at 18 months and to date, I may have been able to have some perspective but not knowing how freaking fabulous our baby boy would be, I struggled to find my zen while leaving my job, plumping up a pre-prime peanut and through a bit of hormonal upheaval.
In retrospect, it was honestly just way more work.energy.love than I ever could have anticipated. And I was completely confused. Weren’t the birth and the hospital stay supposed to bring so many happy tears instead of sad, weepy moments? Weren’t the first few weeks {forgetting the lack of sleep} supposed to feel like a mix of dreams-come-true and Camelot? Why couldn’t I have made Barrett bigger.stronger.safer? Why couldn’t I keep everything in my life in line?
I really carried a lot of guilt. I felt as if I’d let Barrett down … I should have been able to make my blood pressure more palatable… in turn, producing a more plentiful placenta. I felt as if I’d let Adam down … I should have been able to keep up with the feedings without feeling so completely and utterly exhausted. I felt as if I’d let our families down … I should have been a more cool, calm and collected momma amidst the screaming, spitting and weight checks. I didn’t feel sad but I did feel like a failure. I wished I could keep all my ducks in a row.
But alas, I could not… at first.
And you know, I know now that, despite feeling like an alien at the time, I was pretty normal. To all moms out there who feel overwhelmed with your first {or second.. or seventh}, you’re okay. And more importantly, your little loves are, too. And what’s more, they continue to get better. And better. And one day, you can’t believe you ever thought it was so hard.
And I think that realizing and owning that, will make for a much easier transition as we welcome Grinny into our gang.
While the to-do lists and the nesting will not soon cease {clothes to be washed, meals to prepare, rooms to complete…and on and on}, I do have some perspective this time around, I realize that no list… no amount of completed tasks… can actually prepare one for an infant. Although no two babies are alike, just as no two adults are, I look forward to getting to know Grin. And, luckily, this time around we have Barrett to help us keep everything in line.
