Following the birth of Barrett I had a realization. Just days after giving birth and holding our sweet little gift from God in my arms, I thought there will come a day when my parents will no longer be here… and there will come a day when we will not be here for our children. Becoming a parent immediately puts things in perspective. Life. Is. Short.
My mom often recalls her last mother’s day with her own mother. It was 20 years ago. The woman who had been there for my mom from her very first breath, held her in her arms as a helpless baby, who had guided her through childhood, who had given her blessing on the love of my mom’s life, and who had been a constant source of support as my mother and father raised their own three children, was ill. Always a strong, tender woman, her heart just could not keep up. It was likely tired from all the loving it had done throughout her years as a wife, a mother and a grandmother. She was a classy lady who enjoyed reading. She was intelligent and loved Yahtzee and cards. She always had orange soda in the cupboard and often delicious baked goods in the oven. And though older than many of my friend’s grandparents, she had an always apparent affinity towards her grandchildren. And those few things are only a small part of the grand woman she was.
I was in third grade when she passed away. At the time, I couldn’t possibly understand the enormity of the situation. My mother was losing her mom. She could not just pick up the phone and talk with her any longer. She could never again spend the day talking about nothing important and feeling like it was one of the best days she ever had. She couldn’t feel her embrace when a hug is all she needed or reach out and feel the touch of her precious, aging hands. Life. Is. Short.
It was not until that realization I had after Barrett breathed his first breath that I started to feel hurt for my mom. I felt like she’d been cheated. By all the years she spent without her mom. The moments her mom didn’t get to see… high school and college graduations for each of us kids, weddings, and the birth of a new generation to the family. And I realized, that it is likely that some day… there will be a moment when it feels like I need her more than ever, that my mom won’t be there in anything more than spirit. To imagine a day when I can’t call my mom mid-day to share my mommy needs a mocktail moment… A day when I can’t ask her for her thoughts on the type of mother I am… When I can’t just count on a deliciously flawless meal with a good glass of wine… or to celebrate a birthday without hearing the entire story of my birth. Those thoughts sting.
For now, I believe my very active, healthy, hot mama will be around for quite awhile. I believe that she will be there when the somedays for our children become the days. But in having my own children, I am reminded that forever is not a guarantee. Tomorrows are not a for sure thing. Life. Is. Short.
So in case I don’t say it enough. In the event that my mom doesn’t know…
I love you, mom.
You are beautiful.
I think so much of the way that you and dad raised us.
I appreciate our daily conversations.
I am thankful that after two high-risk pregnancies, you decided to have me.
I am jealous of your cooking. But I am glad I get to enjoy it.
I love that you share so much of your past with my present.
I admire your persistence, even on crutches.
I know you’ve always loved me unconditionally, even if there were moments when you hated my behavior.
Because of you, I know how to be a mom.
To think of a day without you makes me feel way too grown up… but mentally, I will always be your baby.
And I want to make sure you know. Because…Life. Is. Short.
Thanks to all of the incredible mothers I am lucky enough to know.
You are phenomenal women.
