In the last 6 months, a few of my friends have dealt with miscarriage. Others, with infertility. And each time, I’ve felt guilty. I’ve felt guilty that I have had two successful pregnancies. That I have joked about my ability to exchange glances with Adam and get pregnant. That I complain about my screaming baby. I feel guilty.
“I switched 100% to formula.” I was talking with a friend the other day. A new mom. A mom who has been doing the MSPI diet for the last 3 and half months, supplementing hypo-allergenic formula, and pumping at work — all for one bottle a day of breast milk. And after much thought and effort, she decided to make the switch. “I feel so much better,” she said “But I still feel guilty.”
Adam’s suggested recently that we update my phone to an iPhone. Yes! No. Yes! No. I vacillate between what I want and what I think is a practical investment when we also have two kids to spoil, clothe, feed, and diaper. I think about how guilty I might feel if I get something that spendy as a stay-at-home mom.
Another girlfriend recently stated, “Sometimes I just want to have a day to myself. All to myself. No kids. No schedule. Just my own agenda. But then when I say that out loud… I feel guilty.”
When I was my own dog, I felt scant guilt regarding my life decisions. I rarely gave much thought to buying a shirt…going to work…or having a mess in my living room. But as a mom, I find myself feeling guilty about nearly every decision. Weighing even the littlest decisions and ultimately, over thinking most some things to the point of being crazyobsessive a little nutty. Partially, because of my own stuff — trying to determine every day if I’m doing the right thing for Barrett, Jonah and our family and partially because I worry what another mom might think.
That’s just silly, right? Because as the old adage goes, kids often grow up despite their parents, not because of them. And because my mommy mantra is to live and let live. To not judge or care about how another mom chooses to raise her kiddos. To not compare my kids to others. So why do we feel a sense of mama malfeasance?
Why do we do this as parents? Why do we get so guilt-ridden, we so often discount our desires and put ourselves so far in last place that at the end of some days, we’ve given absolutely no thought to what we might want or need.
Well, we do it first and foremost because we love our children. We do it because our kids are our most important commodity. We do it because those who came before us modeled such selflessness in our upbringing. While I often say I want to afford our kids the best things life has to offer without spoiling them, the dark truth is that the more we have, the more I want to give to Barrett and Jonah.
I decided that in an effort to rid myself of some of that guilt in my gut and on my mind, I am going to set my guilt free… and I hope other mommas will do the same.
Without further ado… my guilt gush… {and so I can wipe out any future guilt… LONG POST ALERT!}
Staying Home. Crazy, right? Everyone constantly says, “You’re so lucky to be able to stay home” but honestly, I often feel guilty about staying home as I know it is a financial sacrifice for our family. Anytime I feel like money is tight, I am wracked with guilt … if only I were contributing I think. And if I’m not contributing, at least my house should be spotless… and well… that’s just not happening.
As a SAHM, I often question if I’m doing the best I can for the boys. Each morning, I feel a tinge of guilt as I pop Barrett’s waffle into the toaster or pour his cereal. I mean, c’mon, I stay home, right? I should be getting together gourmet meals and planning theme weeks for the wee ones complete with making our own snacks and craft projects to boot. But toaster waffles are his fave. He loves them and the PB&J he eats on an all too frequent basis. So, I take the easy road. And as I travel down that easy road, I carry with me, a napsack full of guilt.
Thinking about not staying home. In much contradiction to my guilt of staying at home, when I think of going back to full-time work, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. I feel like I shouldn’t be wishing for that because everyone tells me that this time…this precious time with our wee ones…goes much too fast. It will be gone in a blink. And yet, I know that by 5 o clock on any given Wednesday, I may be caught thinking maybe I am not cut out for this…still…after 2.5 years.
Breastfeeding. Okay. This is a funny one. But I sometimes feel guilty breastfeeding my babes with their oh-so-sensitive bellies. I sometimes feel like I need to let go and just do formula. That after doing the diet and making so many adjustments, they still scream. So often, as Jonah is a-wailin, I find myself feeling horribly guilty for having potentially caused what is brewing in his belly.
Thinking about switching to formula. Okay… you may already get it…two sides to many of momma’s decisions make for natural guilt… am I doing what’s right…what’s best. In the moments when I’ve tossed around the idea of formula, I’ve felt guilty for that… I did it for Barrett…I breastfed a year…I owe it to each of my children…not just breastfeeding but the commitment to them.
As Jonah screams and Barrett screams over him, I find my patience wearing thin. And… yep… you guessed it… I feel guilty. I feel bad that I am not cool as a cuke but rather short-fused and frazzled. I feel bad that I am more snappy than happy in some moments with my little man. And I question why patience doesn’t pack on with the pregnancy pounds. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
Me time. The hardest part of being parents is often times, the logistics of it all. How do we have time with our kiddos… time with just each other… and then, time for ourselves? And how do I not feel a wee bit of guilt when a)we have time away and b)I get to have me time and Adam does not? It’s just a very complicated dance and well, I’m just not a great dancer.
That was quite the laundry list and I’m sure there’s more. And I am happy to hang it out there. Because maybe, just maybe, it will help me let go of some of the guilt. And perhaps, it will allow me to see just how ridiculous some of it is. And maybe it will nudge other mamas to do the same.
At the end of the day, with our kids, all we want to do is be the very best we can and give all we have to give. We want to invest everything we have into our little loves…to show them that to someone, they are the world. And ultimately, to create the very best little human beings ever to grace the green earth. And because we’ve never been so emotionally invested in anything, it’s easy to question every little part of parenting. I am slowly learning that the best I can be for my kids is happy. That the most I can give them is love. And that to me, no matter what, they will, at times, be the very best little human beings ever to be.
So guilt and worry, be gone. Overthinking, pack your bags. And I don’t feel guilty for giving you the boot. At least for today.
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