Every once in awhile, life happens. I mean, obviously, life happens every day…if you’re lucky. But every once in awhile, the events which transpire within the confines of our own world seem more like a real life drama. Like the stuff that TV shows are made up of. Twists and turns that are emotional. Scary. Uncertain. And thought provoking.
This week, we had life happen.
On New Year’s Day, I took a pregnancy test. Not because we were trying. In fact, in taking the test, I had little thought it would be positive. It seemed impossible. I mean, we know what causes pregnancy…that part wasn’t impossible, but the timing, it just didn’t seem to add up. But after being late… And breaking out… And being a walking, raging hormone… I told Adam I was going to the store and buying a test.
Imagine our shock when it read PREGNANT.
Shock. Excitement. Smiles.
And just like that, our world would once again be changed. Our family of 4 would become a family of 5. Our little boys would need bunk beds. Our family vacation in the summer would need to be changed. My boss, at the job I was starting the next day, would have to know that I wasn’t planning to start a new job pregnant. But there wasn’t a part of me that didn’t want this somewhat surprising development. There wasn’t any part of our family that wasn’t ready. Already having two children, this was not at all an inconvenience or something we needed to become okay with. It was a blessing. Our blessing. Our baby.
I started to get tired. My boobs ached. And I was getting sick. So sick I threw up in the sink. I was every bit of pregnant as I’d been with the boys.
We went to see my mid-wife Jearlyn {which, by the way, is the worst with two little boys}. We talked about my due date… September 7th. In my head, I figured that would mean August 7th-ish for our family. Czech Days-ish timeframe, I told myself. And we were set to leave the office. We wouldn’t try for a heartbeat, it was too early. But a call from Dr. Kenney, our co-managing doctor prompted her to request that we get an early ultrasound that day. Because of the boys growth restriction, he wanted the measurements as early as possible.
The four of us went into the room. Adam occupied the boys while I prepped for the ultrasound. And when I looked at the screen…it was empty. There was a round sac. But the sac was empty. And suddenly, I felt empty.
I was confused. Having never been to medical school, I didn’t know what I should be seeing if I was, in fact, 6 weeks, 3 days. I asked if I should be concerned. She told us there was a 50/50 shot…that my days could be off. But I am like clockwork, I thought. We’d need blood tests today and then 48 hours later.
I sobbed. I wanted to vomit. And there was still a 48 hour waiting period.
Adam was so positive. He told me that we shouldn’t be concerned until there was an answer. He’s the strongest, most optimistic person I know. And I wanted to drink his kool-aid. But I just had a bad feeling.
The first round of tests came back. My hCG levels (the hormone that is present and rises when you are pregnant) were high… 33,000. I was elated. Good, high numbers. But at those numbers, they were concerned that they’d not seen anything on the ultrasound. And now those numbers would need to double. But they didn’t.
On Friday, I got the call. My hCG levels, formerly at 33,000 had risen to 35,000. My midwife explained… there was never a fetus. There was never a fetus. But I was pregnant. Without a baby.
I’d heard it before, one of my very closest people had been through it. A Blighted Ovum. Blighted. It makes me think my uterus is like a rundown section of town. A blighted ovum, also known as an anembryonic pregnancy, happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the sac, but not the embryo itself. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes the body to naturally miscarry.
So the breast pain, the nausea, the exhaustion, the excitement…they were all real. But there was never a baby. And the actual miscarriage, I am told that will be real, too.
On Monday, I will have a confirmatory ultrasound. And then I will start a medication to help my body expel the pregnancy. To help my hormones descend. And I hear that’s kind of a mess. It’s kind of painful. And drawn out.
And though I continue to have nausea, food aversions, major hormonal upheaval and exhaustion, I have told my heart that it is over for this time. Still having symptoms, I have to… I have two other little boys and a husband who need me. And these things happen. Life happens. It’s so weird. Just as quickly as this became real, it became undone. And because of my faith, I know that there is a very real reason for this. There was a reason that this pregnancy was not our baby.
I am, of course, saddened by the loss of something we already loved. And I am preparing myself for a process ahead. I mean, it’s not like I lost my keys. Or the left sock. I lost something that was inside me. Or at least the thought of something that was inside me.
I am thankful though. I am thankful that, just as we’d previously experienced, I am apparently very fertile. I am thankful that we unexpectedly had an early ultrasound. That I didn’t have to be shocked by the bleeding that will inevitably occur. That we didn’t wait 12 weeks to see an empty sac. Because that would have been heart wrenching.
I don’t want anyone to feel sad for us. Or to feel uncomfortable asking questions. Or sharing their own news of pregnancy or anything else joyful. Because sharing, of the joys and the sorrows, is what makes this life livable. And we are once again reminded how very lucky we are to have a support system of family, friends and faith to help us go through life experiences with arms wrapped around us.
Everyone deals differently. And if you’ve been a long time reader of BOTB, you know that I deal by sharing. By being very real. So real, others may find it strange. But that’s how I roll. And that’s how I cope. Because life doesn’t just happen to me, it happens to all of us.
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