Someone Else’s Kid

Photo cred: PamAndie Photography

Do you ever think to yourself, Man… those children are being awful. I would never let my children act like that. 


I do. All the time. Because look at those little boys… they’re absolutely picture perfect, right?

So yeah,
there are times where I catch myself judging how other children are behaving in public. In fact, the other day I witnessed a little person screaming “I WANT TO DO IT” at the top of their lungs at Target in response to not being able to use the credit card swipee thingy because his mother paid with cash. And I thought to myself, who lets their kid act like that? Not me, of course. It was clearly somebody else’s child.

And when I watched a five year old decide that he absolutely would not go into Sunday School and instead, copped a ridiculously huge attitude. And started huffing around like he was two. I mean what kind of parents stand for that? You make the rules, parents. Don’t let your kids run the show. The kids that I raise would know better than to act like that.

And when I stood by as a nearly one year old had a complete knipshunfit because his mother put his coat on to keep him from freezing his limbs off… flailing and screaming mouth wide open. I mean, whose kid would do that? Definitely not any of mine.

It had to be somebody else’s kid that got up from the toilet with poop still somewhat attached, dredging it all over from here to Tuesday. Because my kids would know to use patience. It was most definitely someone else’s kid who lost their coat at school and tried to enlist a friend to do his bidding. Because my kids would be independent enough to get ‘er done on their own accord. And it was for sure somebody else’s child who tromps around whining when it’s suggested that he tend to his bedhead. Because children that I nurture day-in, day-out, certainly know proper hygiene. And what about when someone else’s offspring pitched a fit every night at the dinner table for an entire week. I mean, whose kids act like that these days? What is with parents?

I can’t possibly imagine what I’d do if my child ever whined every time I put them down. Shape up or ship out, amiright? Or if they had the audacity to tell me that I need to go make their beds. And I definitely would never put up with them complaining about dinner. Or bedtime. Or not getting the purple eraser. I wouldn’t put up with kids who are acting like… well… er… um… kids, I guess.

Those kids. Who would let their kids get away with all that and a bag of chips?

Oh. Shoot. 


Those kids are not somebody else’s. They’re mine.

But it feels a lot better when I pretend they’re someone else’s when I am pushing one screaming and one crying out of a retailer near you. As the Customer Service woman shouts Have a great day! and I smile back at her. Pretending I’m in my happy place. Where this must be someone else’s child. Because my children would never act like that.

Riiiiight.

As much as I’d love to make completely certain my children constantly behave and speak only nice words, I’m fairly certain CPS frowns upon the use of lobotomies or duct tape over mouths. So I guess they get to be their own dogs, every once in awhile. So add to the list of things I didn’t know before I had my own kids: Contrary to whatever delusions you might have, You cannot control them all the time. Hooray, parenting!

So if you’ve ever been out in public and your child has been pounding their fists on the floor while you walk away, shaking your head, don’t worry… somebody’s else’s child is acting like that or did just five minutes prior to walking into the venue. And it was probably one of mine. You’re welcome.