Before I had kids, I can remember talking to some parents and thinking, “gosh. If you have so much to complain about, maybe you shouldn’t have had kids.” When they said they didn’t have time for something, I think I thought, you make time for what matters. When they said kids are expensive, I think I thought, what do kids really need… diapers… how much can diapers cost? When they said my kid won’t stay in timeout, I’m guessing a part of me thought, you just need to establish boundaries.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh my goodness! I AM HILARIOUS.
Because after having 1, 2, and 3 kids, I am fully immersed, daily, in what they were talking about. Those people weren’t lamenting parenting and their offspring. They weren’t bitching about their circumstances. They were just relaying their every day lives. Just like I was talking about what was happening over on PinkIsTheNewBlog, they were tellin’ me about the gist of their sitch. They were preachin’ the realities. And I am glad I listened a little… because it made me much less shell-shocked than I might have been had all my peeps pretended it was all rosey posey.
So today, for your Friday reading pleasure… here is my list of the Top 13 Things that I think parents aren’t exaggerating about {or TTTPAEA for shorter. Even thought that’s still ridiculously long. And I’m sorry, Miss Matulka, for ending the title with a preposition}.
1. The difficulty of going to the bathroom.
This is NO JOKE. NO JOKE, people. If you should find yourself in a house with children over a span of 4-8 hours, you will, at some point need to use the facilities. This poses many issues. You have two choices… lock them out or let them in. Lock them out seems smart, right? A moment to pee and ponder. Ya right. A moment to come out and find your one year old digging into the liquor cabinet with scotch in hand. Or even better, a baby banging on the door and screaming the entire time you are attempting to poop. And pooping under pressure is no good for anybody. So you let them in, right? And then you play 20 questions with a three year old in which you never actually get to speak and all of the questions relate to why you don’t have a penis. The baby, at some point, is eating or licking something in your *pristinely* kept loo. The five year old pokes his head in to see how the party is getting along. And you are reminded that you really need to look into the feasibility of a catheter or colostomy bag. The end result, you find that you go to the bathroom as many as 1, maaaaybe 2 times a day. Not even kidding.
2. The amount of laundry.
I have blogged about this before but sweet baby Moses, the hill of laundry that happens the minute you let itty bitty humans into your home is seriously astounding. Last week, we did 16 loads of laundry. THAT IS NOT HYPERBOLE. {And yes. It felt necessary to YELL that}. There are two big humans and three small ones in this house. There is not a carnival troupe, or a gardening club, or any other large group of people who may end up dirtying obnoxious amounts of clothing due to their vocation. Between bed sheets. Pajamas. Day clothes. Workout attire. Towels. Maybe an occasional post-school change. And any sort of poopcidents. The amount of laundry has reached ludicrous proportions. Little kids emit dirt. And snot. And dribble. As such, laundry is a constant battle. And the struggle is real, my friends. The struggle. is. real.
3. Being exhausted.
I remember being in college and feeling so off-kilter because I stayed up all odd hours of the night and then slept in catnaps between classes. Or tried to catch up on sleep by sleeping in until 11. I thought after each dead and final’s week that there was no chance I’d know such exhaustion in my life. You thought you were exhausted when you only got 2 hours of sleep because you went out to the bars, hit up Amigos, and hung out with your boyfriend until you passed out at 4 am? Oh, I feel so bad for you. Because parenthood will be a rude awakening. Literally. Because you will be rudely woken at all hours, sporadically, and expected to show up and be responsible for a sometimes dissatisfied customer. And there are laws and hormones that prevent you from completely ignoring said customer. Once you are the proud owner of a child or children that wake you up to eat, poop, have you chase away the monster, or just hang, well, you, too, will agree that of all of the things that were never exaggerated, both a) there is no catching up on sleep and b) little humans are actually sent to the planet with one agenda and that is kill sleep forever. For everyone. Both of those things top the list. These little blessings will, eventually, sleep through the night, legitimately. And when they do, this will mean that they will have boundless energy throughout all waking hours. And lucky you will still be trying to catch up from their infancy. Energy sucked. Daily.
4. Parents do not get sick days.
Seriously. The next time you roll your eyes when a parent complains that they are ill and can’t get a break, steady those eyes, pal. Because if you plan to have kids, you’ll get yours. You will feel like complete ca ca and you will be sitting there thinking, they weren’t kidding… there isn’t some magical service that just beams down and makes your kids eggo waffles when you are completely useless. And you will know, as a parent, you aren’t allowed to be useless. Unless you are some sort of celebutant and have a 24/7 nanny troop. Then, this may not apply to you. But to the regular joes and josephines out there, sick days after entering parenthood have you singing T Swift’s Shake it off. Because there’s nothin’ else ta do. Just this week, my head felt like a balloon. My nose prevented me from breathing. But no rest for the weary or wicked or the mamas and papas, so the saying goes, right? The hubs had work. The kids had school. The baby had endless, crabby energy. And the children definitely don’t lower their decibel level simply because there is a constant echo in mama’s head. Thank God the gym also had a steam room. Saving. Grace. Should you know a family wherein both parents are ill and it’s a weekend, you should seriously pray for their souls.
7. Drinking is hard.
Ummmm. If being sick as a parent is the worst than being hungover is the worstest. I can’t drink anymore. These days, if I have even one half of a glass of wine, welcome to the yawn factory. I actually have to apologize and tell people that they are not snorefests. I just blame it on the al-al-al-al-alcohol. For some odd reason, if I drink more than one glass of any sort of substance which includes any sort of alcohol, I wake up 84 times a night to pee {perhaps because my body knows I get to go by myself}. Also, in a new and recent addition, alcohol turns my fingers into big tight cased-in sausages. Then there’s being hungover as a parent… I don’t think I’ve tried that for at least 3 years. Not because I’m a fun hater. It’s because, as I said in #4, the children don’t talk any quieter because mama’s head has a constant echo. And if you even think that there would be any way that you could sleep it off, please direct your sights to #3.
8. The schedule.
The one thing… the ONE thing that I always laughed at with parents before I was a parent was the schedule. I’m not letting little humans tie me down, I am sure I thought at one time or twenty. Turns out…you don’t just pop a kid out and go along with business as usual. The minute you take on caring for a human it includes all of the feeding, toileting, and sleeping of said human. All while trying to continue to keep up your own feeding, toileting, and sleeping. Even parents who aren’t scheduled still have to figure out how their children are going to eat and sleep. And so, if a parent says they can’t do something because it’s nap time… TRUST THEM. Because they know that their unslept children are actually demons. And people are not the biggest fans of demons. If they say that the kids should be in bed around a certain time, TRUST THEM. Know that if you totally screw with their schedule you are basically screwing them for the entirety of their weekend. If they say that their kid needs to eat or it might be more enjoyable to eat in or meet at a different time… TRUST THEM. They know that the difference, for their child, between hungry and hangry is a 30 minute wait at a restaurant. And that the four fruit snacks you gave them in the car on the way do not a meal make and in fact sugar before food is pretty much a ticking timebomb. And most importantly, if you are with a parent and they say they MUST find a bathroom for their child… TRUST THEM. Because they know that if they don’t get their kid to the potty STAT, they will be cleaning up a flood puddle at the In N Out picnic tables and driving their kid home commando and balls out in their car seat. Also, know that parents of two or more children may never be able to meet with you because all day someone is sleeping, eating, or pooping. And understand that they very much look forward to seeing you again in a couple of years.
9. They can’t get a babysitter.
I seriously thought this was some sort of scapegoat. Like maybe someone just didn’t want to see me. And now I know. Because getting a babysitter for one kid who is 6 is pretty much the same level of easiness that Shonda Rimes possesses for making a hit series. Getting a babysitter who is available, who wants to take care of 2 or more children, who can drive, who won’t put a dirty pan back in the cupboard, and who actually likes your kids, well, that can prove to be a bit trickier. If other parents are anything like me, they have their first string, their second string, and their I’m so desperate and I just met your aunt at Trader Joe’s string. And if a parent makes it through the list to no avail, well then — plans cancelled. Leaving out a dish of food and water and locking the doors is no longer acceptable. And kenneling three children would require a rather large container. And also happens to be illegal and psychotic.
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What do you think is not an exaggeration by parents? What are some of the things that are way over done?
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