I was sitting in the middle of the Orpheum the other night. I closed my eyes. I closed them because I didn’t just want to hear the music we’d been watching. I wanted to totally feel it. I wanted to let it fill me. And so I closed them. And it was the most incredible thing. Because I felt full. Of life. Of contentment. Of the moment.
Do you ever do that? Have those moments where you totally pause? Or where you feel full? Completely filled up with everything that is supposed to feel right about getting to live this life? Completely complete.
I think that no matter who you are… where you are… what stage of life you’re in… there are times where you find yourself truly feeling the way feelings are meant to be felt. You find that you are the very happiest version of yourself. Or that you are being used exactly as you were designed to be used.
Does that make sense? Or do I sound completely off my rocker?
As I thought about that moment in the theatre, I thought, What else makes me feel this way? Like I’m really truly getting to be me? And I came up with a list. A short list. Of the five things in life where I feel most Ashli.
1. Music –
I will start with music because that is how I opened this post. But music. My gosh. How I love it. I feel a connection to music. Whether I am singing, playing, listening, or dancing to it, I feel a deep down gushy feeling about music. I grew up with music in my soul. In my home. And in my daily life. And as an adult, my love for it has never waned.
2. Relationships –
I looooove spending time sitting at the table with my family. Or talking to my sister on the phone. Drinking my parents’ wine {with them, of course}. And girls’ night outing with women who make my heart happy. My husband. My children. My family. My friends. Life, for me, becomes full of feelings when I get to spend time with the people I love. And I also love meeting new people. Hearing their stories. Getting to know what’s in their hearts. And making sense of how all the stories weave together. People are my jam.
3. Writing –
Oh. How I love to write. Clearly, I love it… otherwise I wouldn’t babble on here at BotB for so much of my life. I love how words find each other. And how they make sense of our feelings. And how we connect to other people because of that. I love getting to chronicle this life. And helping other people say what they want to say, as well.
4. Church –
I went to church growing up. But it wasn’t until I had children that I felt a deeper need for it. At this point in my life, there are times where I am sitting in church, listening to sermons, or music, or stories and I feel a resolve. A peace. An understanding. I feel a wholeness. And then, when I see faith in action from people in my world, whether through big acts or small kindnesses, I feel that same feeling, once again.
5. Exercise –
I love the way my mind runs clear when I move my body. And the rush that comes from a new challenge or the feeling of accomplishment. Exercise makes me feel strong, and capable, and healthy. And those feelings are important to me.
Those are my five. And there are my reasons.
Those five things are the things that if I could only do what truly made me happy, those would be my five. I had, close behind, travel, and laughing, and holding snuggly babies, and others… but when I really thought about it — about what makes me happiest.content.filled — those are my top five. And right now, at this moment in life, I get to do those things a big amount of my existence.
There have been times since I graduated college/grew up/became a mom (all of the above) where I have felt like I didn’t know where I was. Have you ever had those times? Where you’re kind of searching? I mean, I guess I think we probably all have to have those times because life is a journey, right? And on that journey, I’ve found myself in places where I’m not sure which path to take, or which decision feels the most right, and at times, I’ve even felt a little alone. I’ve talked about some of those times here on the blog. The times where I’ve felt maxxed out in a way, but like my bucket was sort of empty. I think we all have those times and we have to sometimes work our way back a bit. Back to ourselves. And so, the five things… they are key, I think. Things that fill us. That challenge us to be alive and present. That remind us of all the goodness and the gift.
I told the mister the other night as we lay next to each other in bed, These are the days, sir. Because I felt it in that music the other night… that this is the good stuff, the stuff that makes life beautiful. And I think it’s because we’re finding our way to a new normal and we’re settling in to this stage. Do you feel that way in your life? Do you feel like you are living your top 5? Do you feel like you even know what your top 5 are?
What makes you happy? What makes you feel like yourself? What makes you feel alive? And are you able to work those things into your life?
I’ve talked about how I think sometimes it can feel selfish to spend time focusing on ourselves… in fact, I think, as a mom, I almost always feel selfish when I am doing something for myself {if I can be completely honest with you… which… I’m gonna be} — whether it’s buying a shirt, going to the gym, doing guitar, date nighting, writing — but the thing is, once I do those things, I feel that fullness again. I feel like I’ve been filled with fresh air. Like I have a better perspective. And such an appreciation for getting to live this life.
And so fitting, were the words I heard, as I closed my eyes:
And you better be you
And do what you can do
When you’re walking on moon beams
Staring out to sea
So your task for today is to think on your top 5. Think of the times where you feel like life is filling you up. Think of if those 5 are present or absent in your life. And ask yourself if you are making yourself matter to you. And for once, don’t think about what other people might think of your list… this is just for you. Don’t worry about feeling selfish. Let’s all walk on moon beams as we stare out to sea. Find the things that make you you. And I’ll keep finding me.
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