A few years ago, I wrote a little post about the fact that, if you get your carpet cleaned on a Tuesday, then it is pretty much guaranteed that your kid will barf on said carpet on Wednesday… Because although Math and I broke up several years ago due to irreconcilable differences, I do recall the if/then relationship.
I remember asking my High School Calc teacher allllll the time “when, prey tell, will I really need to know this stuff?”. Well, Mr. Rector is most def getting the last laugh because I am called to use math in some way, on the daily. Especially when it comes to figuring out the likelihood or the probability of something.
Another example might be when I was nearly seven months pregnant with Har and while attempting to do some handy projects around the house, a cabinet fell on my head leaving me with a severely awesome Harry Potter scar in the middle of my forehead. And while it’s a little different than the normal if/then… If you are seven months pregnant and drop a cabinet on your head, then two days later, you will also get rear-ended.
It’s like some sort of law of the universe, people. The probability is somehow even higher that if one thing happens, you might want to gear up for another.
Last night, the hubs was out of town and for some reason, in my experience, it is somewhat common that if the hubs is out of town then some bit of craziness has to ensue.
So if your husband is out of town, then your kid will totally fall in the bathtub and split open his lip and be a blood-gushing mess.
If your kid does this, then you will definitely have not prepared for said bath and there will be no towels in sight. Because all of the extras are still packed up and the normals are in the wash. Because laws of the universe. So you wrap up your mouth-bleeder in a blanket. And of course, once you’ve determined through texting with a very tolerant friend {thank you, friend. I owe you wine} who happens to have a little thing like a Medical degree, that the kid doesn’t need any sort of stitching, gluing, or the like… Once you think you are sort of in the clear… Then… One of the two children left in the bath will most definitely decide it’s as good of time and place as any to drop a dump.
Because if one thing happens then another is likely right on its tail. Because motherhood, people. Because motherhood.
So today, I will dress like a Superhero because after our end to the night last night, no one puked, no one had to be taken to urgent care, no one had a terribly painful hangnail… and these are all positives, people. Maybe today’s story will unfold as an if your kid loves you then he will give you a million dollars. And I guess if that happens, maybe Math and I can learn to love one another again. But I suppose the probability of that is pretty unlikely.
And of course, if your kid’s teeth still seem to be pretty busted up in the morning then Popsicles are what’s for breakfast.
Because if life gives you lemons then… Well, you know.
