I hugged my dad as we left. And as I stood between my mom and dad, the tears started to fall. I’m 34 years old and sometimes, like today, I still cry when I leave my mom and dad.
I don’t completely know why.
Maybe it’s because I’m a youngest child and I refuse to ever believe I’m a grown up.
It could be because I had a really full day yesterday and completely wore myself out. From running to marching in the parade to performing in the talent show to polkaing to my heart’s content. And seeing friends that I’ve known since Moby Dick was a minnow.
It could be because I talked with an acquaintance yesterday who is living with Stage 4 breast cancer. And she probably isn’t going to get to get better. Unless money and science move faster than her disease. And the thought of that is sad to me. But also, selfishly, terrifying.
Or, it could also be because our summer is drawing to an end. It’s been a really unforgettable, unstructured summer with the boys. And I’ve loved it. And while I am ready for a return to our school year style, I also can’t help but be reminded about what that means. That we are coming up on my one year diagnosiversery.
It means that little pains and creaks concern me more. It means that I pray extra hard at night that God will let me leave my one year anniversary of diagnosis in September, behind me … Cancer-free. Depression-free. Healthy.
It means that instead of thinking as today as the end of one thing — Staycation. And sort of, Summer. I must instead, switch my mindset and remind myself it is also another beginning. A beginning of another school year. A year of endless possibilities. A year, most hopefully, free of cancer, for me. For all my friends who are now NED or cancer-free. For all my family and friends who have never had to deal with a diagnosis.
Probably, it’s all just because I’m exhausted. And I appreciate times with my family all together more than I ever have. That’s probably what the tears were for. And tomorrow will feel less sad.
But for today, I will let my feelings be felt. I will process my thoughts. And focus on all the good and lovely things I have in my life. And let the rain wash away my gloomy day.
Every day is a new day. Some are sad. Some are harder than others. Most are really fantastic. And make me so happy to get to be here for them.
And as we are halfway home, the tears are already gone. I know that we have to go back to reality, eventually. And I know that we are oh so lucky to be able to do so.