I cleaned out my closet yesterday. Really all week. I was on a mission. The mission of trying to get back some semblance of control post-cancer. I cleaned, I scrubbed, I waxed on, I waxed off.
And I got rid. I cleaned. But it wasn’t just cleaning. It was therapy. Catharsis.
Cancer does that, I think, to everyone who gets diagnosed. It makes us get rid. Get rid of things, stuff, ideas.
It makes you say, “whoa. Life is to freaking short.” And realllllllly truly have a deep understanding of what short means.
I’ve let go. I’ve let go of a lot this last year. My breasts. My lymph nodes. My hair. Those things, well, those were hard.
But some of the things have been freeing. Fantastic. And okay by me.
Five things I’ve gotten rid of…
1. The idea of truly having control. Dude. If I didn’t learn that from children then I finally got the memo with cancer. And so, peace out to the need to control every little thing all the time and feel a failure if I didn’t do it just right. I’m over it. Sure, I still want control at times. But I don’t need it like I used to in early motherhood. Letting go mentally and physically of something you never had in the first place makes one way less bananas.
2. Period underwear. Because menopause. That’s where I’m at. So far, no bleeding on the Brehm has occurred since going on Lupron to shut down my ovaries. So. I threw those period undies and most of my tampons, flotation device sized post-birth pads, and even light days, in the trash. Hooooray! (And don’t act like you don’t know what period underwear are.)
3. Underwire bras. Oh sweeeeeet magnolia. I have liberated my girls and they are free to flap in the wind like a dog’s tongue waving out the car window. I never have to worry about what kind of bra I will wear with a dress. I don’t have to have padding making me look like I have boobs. I don’t have to have underwire digging into my ribs. And my boobs are basically sitting right up under my chin. I goodwilled 4 nude boring bras the other day and organized my undie drawer with bralettes and foam free fashions. Tits out from here on out!
4. Toxic relationships. I refuse to let toxic people eat my life. I refuse to let one person dictate my attitude or my day. I choose to surround myself with goodness. Because we can choose how other people make us feel. And, if one person is making us feel a certain way, chances are, they are making others feel that way, too. So, when I encounter toxic people now, I write them a letter. And then I throw it away. Because sometimes even though we are going to have to endure negativity, we don’t need to let it own us. I talk openly with my therapist about people who are affecting my Spirit. I make lists of goodness and gratitude. And I remind myself that people are going to be who they are… We just don’t have to feed into their need to manage our emotions. To sum all that up: Bitches be bitches, yo.
5. The illusion (or, delusion) of forever. I think I always thought, “when I’m 50, I’ll do this…” Or “at 75, we’ll do this…” But SURPRISE! I might not be here at 50. Or 75. And then, I could be here at 111. Which would be pretty impressive because my boobs will still be at my chin and everything else will be at my knees. But even 111… It isn’t forevs, ya know? And now that reality feels way more evident and front of mind than it ever did. So now, when I decide to take a leap, do somethings crazy, or seize the day… It’s because we don’t have forever. Heck. We might not even have tomorrow. Might as well do it right. Also, sorry to be a Debbie Downer with this one but… It’s the haps.
I also got rid of a whole pile of clothes that don’t fit now that I have boobs, the idea of ever donating my eggs, ever being in playboy (because I don’t think they have done a survivor issue lately. Damn:), drinking soda, a whole boatload of anxiety (thank you, Lexapro. You are beautiful), any guilt over saying “no”, and, giving my body shit for being different than other people’s. Because seriously, mama ain’t got time for that.
My life has changed drastically. I pray more. I laugh more. I think I am more present than I ever was. I love harder and more genuinely than I ever did. And I think, for me, I actually live more.
Because, as I’ve said… There’s the shit and the rainbow. And you gotta do both.
I’m cleaning house though. I’m trying to take my second chance and feel free to be me. Tits out, menopausal, cancer-free, Blanche-do, me.
*photo via Grimshaw at the Project PInk’d 2016 exposed event
