Okay you all are the beezies kneezies. Fa real. I got some very kind words from all you kind people after my mini rant on Facebook last night. And I realized I did something I sort of hate — I vaguebooked. What is vaguebooking? When you put something that makes people curious because you share just enough to be dramatic but you don’t really put the whole story. I swear. Not my intention.
Here’s the rub… One of my friends has been getting a lot of flack from the internet lately. And as I have been a bystander, I’ve been amazed with just how rude some people can be. And to the people who said some people feel emboldened by the anonymity of social media, you are 100% correct.
But let’s not be those people, cool?
I haven’t said anything about this yet but y’all, I have had some things pop into my inbox recently that could become opportunities for me… one, a book thing… two, a radio thing. I honestly don’t have all the details. I’m not just vaguebooking… it’s seriously in the conception stage (that made me think of boning ). And while parts of me think these things seem really cool, parts of me is like, “UMMMMMM… I’m just a normal boring person, they know that right?” But I’m always up for trying new things. And I truly believe that God is doing some incredible things behind the scenes and I am trusting that he has his hands in this.
Why did I bring this up? Because the mean people. One of the biggest things that has always scared me with this blog… with speaking… with radio… with book writing… is the mean people.
While I believe you should totally be who you are and love being that person, I struggle with people saying horrible things about my life, my opinions, my world. That would just be crappy. And while I choose to put my whole life out there, I do it because I think hopefully, if someone else is ever in my shoes, they might find some comfort from knowing they are not alone. I think there is something about knowing that you are not the first person to have ever had screamy babes… to feel unsure about motherhood… to feel like you aren’t that good at motherhood… to feel scared about cancer… to wonder if different things about marriage are weird or normal… no matter what it is I write about or share, it is because at some point, I felt alone in it.
But I still have, anxiety at times when sharing my heart. Even after ALMOST 10 years of doing it. After having hundreds of personal moments on the internet for public consumption. Because I don’t do this for money {because I think people think this blog makes me big moolah and I am willing to share my tax returns…;). I try as hard as I can to get back to people and complete tasks… but it doesn’t always happen. And I feel bad about that. That I might leave some people hanging. I feel bad that I don’t have time to sit and talk to every person or to help every person or to make everyone’s journey better… because I have gotten to have such an incredible support system and every single person deserves that. For real. So that all makes me nervous at times.
And then there’s the whole being lumped with bloggers. I love blogging. I love bloggers. But the public perception of bloggers is sometimes negative. And that’s why I’ve always struggled with where I fit. I’m not a true writer… I’m not a true blogger. Because I’m not trying to be famous or a celebrity. I don’t write thoughts just because I want to create controversy. I don’t share or talk about things so they will become viral. Or because I think I am any sort of authority. One day I just decided to start blogging. And I kept doing it. Before I had Facebook. Before Insta. Before it all… I just started writing… and I had no idea where it would take me. I’m just trying to live this life to the best of my ability. And live it as hard as humanly possible in case I have to stop living any time soon. And for that reason, I feel I must not be afraid to seize the day. Right?
Because about two years ago I got a call. And the girl on the other side of the phone was named Jenny. And she gave me an opportunity. One to write and share my story. And I was terrified. I almost didn’t say yes. I was afraid people might think I was using my cancer story. I was afraid people would start sending me more stories of people dying from cancer at a time where I was just wanting to be able to live with it. I was afraid that people would pick apart my feelings and my words. And make me feel worse during a very unsteady time.
And guess what else I was afraid of… failing.
But guess what… that didn’t happen. Sure. I had a few people say ridiculous things. I had a few moments where I felt bad and shed tears because people either sent words about my health or my happiness or my family. But mostly… people are AWESOME. INSANELY FANTASTIC. RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL. And you people… you are my people. And that opportunity, it changed my path. It opened my world. And from my friendship with Jenny to all the other things that have unfolded as a result, the people I’ve met and the speaking I’ve gotten to do, I know that it was all a gift.
So I have these new things in front of me. These whispers. These inquiries. Maybes that might become part of me. And I am excited. But I am a little scared. I am interested and also, a little skeptical. I’m good at telling stories about my life. I’m good at sharing my feelings. But I’m not so good at talking about my own achievements. So I mean it when I say, I am feeling like these are signs for what the future of my life could hold… but I also don’t want to get my hopes up.
My friend’s pile of crap she’s had laid on her this week… those are the things that give me moments of fear. But alllllllll the other people and goodness I’ve encountered, like YOU… that is the stuff that makes me want to take all the chances I can… soak up every opportunity… and see where I go.
Am I the only adult afraid to take a leap or put myself out there? No. Am I crazy to be afraid of a stranger’s opinion of me? Maybe. But am I going to let it maroon me on an island of fear or insecurity? Before cancer, probably. But now? Hell to the no. Because guess what I think every day? Someone is going to die today of cancer. Cancer that I don’t have in me anymore. And I better do this living thing right because they don’t get to do it anymore.
We each have a flame and it’s up to us to let it burn bright enough for the world to see, I think. We each have something unique and wonderful inside of us that will probably make the world a happier place if we allow it to glow outside of us. And we all have the chance to make our own little corners of the world happy corners. Corners of goodness. Corners of positive vibes.
So… I will keep you posted on all the things… I will let you know if any of this ends up going anywhere… And I ask you… are you letting the meanies keep you down? Are you holding yourself back from something awesome out of fear? And my friend, what would happen if you just said yes?
