“Mom. Are we gonna see JoJo?”
“No babe. She was cremated, I think.” The Oldest and I were chatting in the car as we often do. And we were talking about our dear, sweet friend passing away.
“Mom. What do you want to happen when you die?
“Do you want my real answer?” I asked.
{I didn’t want to scare him. Because I completely knew my answer to his question. I didn’t want to remind him that there was a time I truly thought about the fact that some day I will breathe my last breath. I didn’t want him to think about the fact that some day, he, too, will have a last breath. He’s 8. This is deep for 8.}
“Yeah. I’m curious.” He’s so old for himself. I thought.
“Well. I want to be cremated. And I want a party. A party with a band. Live music. I want people to get up and toast to me. While they drink. While they cry happy tears because they knew me. I want them to dance. And not in black. {Well. Unless it’s my mom. She loves black.} And have a celebration that they are still breathing. And then, I might have a headstone somewhere… with your dad. But I really want a board on a pier or a bench in a shady spot under a tree. With a quote and your dad and my names on it. So people can be there to think. Or listen to music. Or whatever.”
“Yeah. I wanna be cremated, too. You know, ashes to ashes and everything.”
oh. my B.
…
I know what I want for my death. I know what I want when, in my heart I believe I will be suspended in heaven. Hopefully looking down on my babies because they will still be growing into old people.
I know what I want when I go. I know that I want a gorgeous version of How great thou art followed by Bob Marley played as people remember me. And all the things I told my Oldest I’ve thought about. I know.
I’m 35. And I completely know what I want to be done if I should die.
It might be weird. But I was sick. So I’ve thought about this. I’ve thought about my eternal reward. And my eternal legacy. I’ve thought.
But sometimes living… sometimes that is harder for me to nail down.
I know I want life. Like life-full life. Living. More than just existing or breathing. I want to feel. I want to be overwhelmed by the harmonies in a song. I want to be overtaken by the taste of an incredibly crafted meal. I want to just get completely lost in the eyes of others as we talk in a way that words are truly feelings. I want to breathe in the smell of freshly dropped snow. I want to truly dance in the rain. None of this “cliche” shit. I want to lay — listening to the ocean, in a bed with open windows — and know that I am so small in comparison to the great design. I want to be amazed at the way my body can move and perform and make me believe I am strong. I want to see my children grow. And I want to find my heart in my children. I want to hold the hand of the man I love and adore and be almost alarmed at how much his touch feels like home. I want to laugh. And laugh. Laugh in this completely uncontrolled snortable fashion. I want to spend times with friends around a fire, with music, and be astouded that I get to be in the presence of some of the earth’s very best beings. And I want to let these words that fill my mind escape onto a page so I can give them an identity beyond me. And not feel alone.
I want to love effortlessly because it feels so whole to love. I want to teach my children that they, too, are loved. And I want my parents to know that they taught me that lesson impeccably. I want my siblings to know that they are what shaped me in this way that they will never understand because they came before me and I am their after. And I want my friends to know that I truly, genuinely believe that they are the best people to grace this planet. And my family… I want all my family to know that they have given me these roots that I would never want to uproot if I didn’t want to shake my leaves and leave them where I go. And my husband. Well. I want him to know that {because I adore him…} I’m a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed. Just kidding. Kind of.
But mostly. Truly. Madly. Deeply.
I want to change the world.
I know. It’s bold. It’s a big declaration. It’s a huge undertaking. Because no one, I suppose, can be credited with changing the world. But I want to take these words that God has put in my bones… and I want to let them free. I want anyone who needs these words to have them. To know that this life… this world… it. is. so. good.
Yes. I know it’s bad, too. I know that people are sick. I know that people are hurting. I know that people are not sure this life is for them and are grasping for angels. I know that we lose these people who have become our world and we struggle to find a world without them. I know that there are demons. And I know that there seems to be a huge shortage on the money tree supply.
I am 100% aware that there are people who do gross things. I know there are people who make the wrong choices time and time again. And I know that there are situations where parents lose children. Brothers lose brothers. Countries lose soldiers. And on and on and on.
I know people who just don’t even want to feel. Or they truly don’t feel. I know that life can be more valleys than peaks. More crappies than happies. People who are searching. Who are just getting by. Financially. Physically. Emotionally.
But I’ve also seen and experienced the goodness of people and hearts.
And that’s why I know I want to change the world.
I don’t know how, exactly. But someone said the words to me today in passing, “YOU MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.” And I knew. That’s what I’m meant for.
…
I might not change the world. I might not even really change my little corner. But maybe… just maybe… I will make someone’s day better. Maybe I will put a word or a story or a video or a thought out there… and people will know they don’t have to be so serious. Or scared. Or sad. Maybe someone will say, “I felt this way. And now she doesn’t. That can be me, too.” Because even though I don’t think we should compare, I do think we, as humans, find comfort and grace and hope in not feeling alone.
Maybe. Maybe I can turn the day around enough times that someone else can turn their life around and I have to say… to change one world… for me, that would be a treasure.
It’s hard to explain. My goal, that is. It’s hard to put it on a job application. Because it’s unusual. It doesn’t fit the mold. Generationally, it’s perplexing. But my objective has recently become clear. To keep on keepin’ on. To continue blogging. Writing. Momming. Wifing. Friending. Videoing. Connecting. To continue sharing what this normal girl’s life looks like. To know that God has a plan. And to just be an instrument of that plan. To live. To love. To learn. And to help others learn that every little thing might very well turn out to be alright.
…
I think a lot… what if I never accomplish anything? What if I never succeed? What if I waste these “opportunities” or trash these gifts that God has given me? What if I only help one person? WHAT IF WHAT I AM DOING MAKES NO SENSE TO OTHER PEOPLE OR MAKES THEM THINK I’M A NUTBAG?
…
…
Guess what, friend. Even if we don’t reach our biggest goals in life… even if we don’t think we’re getting to where we were trying to go… even if we don’t make the money or become the best or truly shake up this planet… I think there is something bigger. I think that rather than worrying about if I do these big things {I mean really… who determines big anyway?}… I am going to start worrying about this sentiment: … but at least, she tried.
Sounds kind of like I’m giving up, eh? Like I’m daria, sticking my hand out after the ball goes by {obscure 00’s reference…}. But honestly. The reality for me is…
of all things I want people to remember or recall or think of or know when they look at me or think of me it is these:
… but at least, she tried.
That’s what I want. I want people to know that it doesn’t always matter what happens in the end. That maybe, for you, there was truly no measurable outcome {I know. You’re in sales. And you’re like, “there’s always a measurable outcome”…}. It was just about the in-between. It matters that in the middle…in the living… in the breaths… that you know what you want… that you went for it…and at least, you tried.
…
You want to be a doctor? Take math. Take science. Take the exams. Try out med school. At least. You tried.
You want to sing but you think you’re too old? Get a voice coach. Give yourself the time to do what you love. At least. You tried.
You want to love? Look for it everywhere you go. Be willing to be vulnerable. Act like you’re 16. At least. You tried.
You want a raise? Go back to school. Take an on-line course. Tell your boss what you want. At least. You tried.
You want to run a marathon? Sign up for a race. Then. Go on-line. Find a program. For free. Try the first run. If at first you don’t succeed, try that run again. And then. Keep going. At least. You tried.
You want to be healthier? Find healthier people to be in your life. Tell them your goals. And write down a post-it and put it on your mirror, a post-it that says, “I matter to. I am going to love me. Ever day.” and commit to a healthier you. Make changes that you can handle. Live a life you love and feel good about. At least. You tried.
You want a different job? Start looking. Don’t be stuck. No matter your age. Profession. Experience. We are not trees. We can move. At least. You tried.
You want better friends? Go for it. Find people who care about you. And who you care about. Go where you like to go. Over and over. And see the people who are like you. Talk to them. Take the jump. Make your mental health a priority. At least. You tried.
You’re 60. And you want to go back to college? Go. Do. You’re not dead. You’re just 60. At least. She tried.
You want to tell someone something you don’t know if you can say? Friend. Say it. And if it doesn’t go how you want, at least you tried.
You want to be content knowing you are changing the world for one other human? Be a parent. Or a teacher. Or really… any person who is willing to be present for another. At least, you tried.
You want to take this time on earth of yours and sit on the couch and eat potato chips and watch Netflix? You, somewhat, get to choose how your existence is spent.
You want to live life? START LIVING. NOW.
…
We all want to change our world. And truly “our world” has a different meaning to EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON.
We all want to matter. We are not stuck. We can move forward — to the side — away — around — we are humans. And we have this life to live.
So.
Let’s live, cool?
…
So when I die… I want to be cremated. I want my ashes spread in an ocean by Anna Maria or Melbourne Beach, Florida. On a beach. Under a gorgeous tree in a meadow. Places where people are peaceful and in love with their souls. I’m a wanderer in my mind and I would never be comfortable be in one earthly place.
But most of all… what is it I want?
I want this to be said: Did she change the world?
I’m gonna be real. The answer is likely gonna be no unless I come into a load of cash or the cure for crooked politicians or war or cancer. But what could you all say instead?…
“…but at least, she tried.”
And that. Well. That would make my soul content.
What about you?
