"So yeah. These are fake. Just in case you're wondering."
How's that for a conversation starter? Or an intro to someone new? Because well, that's one of the many go-to statements I have in my current filofax of questions that I answer so people don't have to feel awkward asking them even though I can totally tell they are curious about the whole breast sitch.
The questions are many anytime you have gone through an experience that someone else has not. Like, for instance, because I've had both a c section and also vaginal births, I can answer quite honestly, "which one is worse?"
The vaginal delivery means that you basically have to shed your uterus into a diaper for weeks on end. And you have to numb your lady bits before you wipe. But the c section makes for any cough, sneeze, or fart feeling like your stomach is going to rip open and volcano blood all over the place. So. Both have their things.
On the flip side, a c section means your Girl Friday isn't all torn up over the birth and a vaginal birth means you might actually get to keep your stomach in tact. So really, to me, tomato tamahto, people.
And then there was the boys being bite-sized WWB {this is a NICU nickname the Littlest earned… Wimpy White Boy} that made for questions like, "Was it so great that you can save their clothes for doll clothes?"
Ummmm. Not necessarily one of the perks I had considered but yes… the Middlest currently has a Build-a-Bear named Jo Bear donning the Littlest's clothes from birth because the fit is just right.
I've been able to answer questions over the years about premies. Miscarriage. Marriage. Sex. Colic. MSPI. And general mom stuff.
But breast cancer… it seems to have brought my OJT (what my brilliant father-in-law tells me is On the Job Training) to a whole new level. So really, anytime you have a question, just ask, friend. Just ask. Because guess what? I'm gonna probably over-share with you anywhoozie. In fact, I'm gonna just put it out there before you can ask so I make you feel a little less awkward about my plasti-boobs and my whole cancer sitch. It's just my MO.
So what do I usually like to get out in the open these days? Well… here's a quick list for ya.
- Yes. They're fake. I had the kind of tumor and cancer that, because of the ratio of disease to breast, I only really had an option for a mastectomy. And I went ahead and said peace out to both because mama ain't got time for uneven stevens or the risk of cancer attacking my other one as aggressively as it attached righty.
- Nope. That doesn't mean I think everyone should do that. I'm a pretty float your own boat gal when it comes to your treatment plan. I'm gonna do me. You're gonna do you. And I can offer you my opinions or experiences if you want them but those are not going to be shrouded in judgment. Each individual gets their own journey.
- Why yes! Your eyes are not deceiving you! Those are two nipples I have pointing at you. Or, one and half. Because one guy only partially survived what I call "Baconbitnipgate 2016." One and a half survived beautifully. And I opted to keep them in the first place because I referred to 4 docs about it and they all said, "if the margins are clear, and you're early stage, and you have itty bitty titties like you do {they didn't say the last part. That's my verbiage.} then SAVE THOSE NIPS!" And so. The nips are still on point. At least one and a half of them.
- Uh huh! I did have "the kind" where I lost my hair. Because remember, it's not cancer that kills your hair, it's chemo that is turning over every little cell in the body. So hair on my head, my legs, my Lady Victoria, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, and my toes… it all shed and has slowly regrown to where everything is at current day. It's pretty wild.
- Nope. Not wearing a bra. Sorry about the nipples. But no. Not today. No bra. Sometimes. But not right now.
- No. Weight loss was not a "benefit" of having cancer or going through treatment. I was skin and bones and trying to fatten up like a hog before plant day. It is harder to fight an illness if you are malnourished, and I was. Weight loss, as much as our country is obsessed with it, is not necessarily a positive experience and definitely wasn't a welcome side effect for me. Although I do miss getting to drink 5 Ensures a day like I was 92. That was pretty balls.
- No. I don't have the gene. And I didn't smoke. And I wasn't obese. And I didn't do drugs. I didn't ever climb into a microwave or eat anymore BPA than anyone else my age that I know of. And yes, I was really young for it in relation to the averages. But I had no risk factors. I even had teensy tiny titties at the time. And it still burrowed into there and set up shop. I don't believe I'll ever know a reason. I just believe it happened to me. I got cancer. It happens sometimes.
- Nope. I don't really think often about it coming back. I am trying to live a healthy and bold life. I am trying to win the day. And I am trying to be positive. That's really all any of us can control anyway.
- Yes. It was in my lymph nodes. I had the first "set" of nodes removed and so now, part of my arm is always tingly. But that's a small side effect to deal with. I still get to have my arm. And I still get to move it. So that's pretty rad.
- Yes! I'm getting new boobs at the end of this month. It's time to trade in and upgrade! Ha! No. But really. I had chemo, mastectomy, and then rads, so one size is a bit smaller than the other and they are gonna even these bad boys out. Yes. It's another surgery. But for now, I believe it will be my final!
- You're right! I don't have a port scar in my chest. That's because I scar beautifully. Lies. It's because my port was in the fold of my arm. Brilliant!! I highly recommend that placement if it's an option for you.
- Why so small? Great question (yes. this has been asked.). Did you know that you can't really just get the same size boobs you had before OR get the exact look that people do when they get a regular augmentation? First off all, I have nothing inside my breast since having a bilateral mastectomy. The tissue is all gone. Second, the implants and the home they are going to have to agree with one another and also, there is nothing to hold them in place once tissue is out so it takes some major finessing by rock star surgeons (ahem. Dr. Johnson. Rock star). So breast reconstruction isn't exactly like Bounty select-a-size.
- Ahhh. You want a boob job because I got one?! Girl, I know we just met but you can totally put your name in the cancer lottery, too;). (THIS STATEMENT/QUESTION IS A FAVE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD RECONSTRUCTION;).
- I actually don't do any scans, bloodwork, or treatment regularly outside of a daily pill and a monthly shot. Otherwise, my medical appointments are now every 3 months apart. And then I'll move to 6. And then… further.
- Yes. Chemo sucked. The mastectomy was seriously the worst for me. And the radiation doesn't get glowing reviews either. But I don't regret doing any part of my treatment plans or protocols. I believe it's what I was supposed to do to heal and be here given the stage and type of my disease and my age at diagnosis.
- Yes. We caught mine early. And yes. I am lucky to be alive. And yes. I say thank you for that EVERY DAY. And for the nice rack. Obv.
So there you have it! My little tongue-in-cheek rundown of some of my responses and answers that I often offer up without anyone even having to pry it out of me. It takes a village, friends. This life, for me, is not as grand in solitude. So luckily, I have a tribe that gets my level of open bookedness, crazy, and sharing my boobs. And I believe that maybe my purpose for me is to help people feel like taking some of the mystery out of breast cancer might make it more open for people to make sure they are being proactive in all of their healthcare.
So yes. They are fake. Yes. It all hurt. Yes. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
And yes, I still love this life.
