Than I Ever Could Have Known

I was pregnant with our last when one of my girlfriends told me about a conversation she’d been having with some of our mutual besties. They each asked the question of one another, “When it comes to being a mom, are you better or worse than you thought you’d be?”

It’s interesting question, isn’t it? How would you respond? I immediately responded, “worse” to which she laughed and said, “we each answered better for ourselves but we knew you would answer worse.” The girls know me, that’s for sure. They know that I feel a lot. Far too much so to do any good for anyone. And it effects my perspective on things.

And so I responded, “I don’t think I’m meaning that I’m bad, really. I think I thought I would be really patient. Really good at playing. Really loving in every moment. Always present. I think that I thought I’d be all of that and so because I’m not, I feel like I am not as good at this as I hoped.”

I’ve thought about that conversation time and time again. Am I better or worse than I thought I’d be? I’ve thought about it at the end of hard days. And I’ve thought about it after the truly glorious days. I’ve thought of it as I’ve watched my children blow out their candles this year. It’s been very much on and in my mind. Because as I revisit my answer, each time, I find myself realizing the reason I responded the way I did and that is this: I am not the mom I thought I’d be but I am a better mom than I ever could have known I would be.

I’m not the mom I thought I’d be because in my thoughts, I didn’t know what this was all about. I didn’t know about the emotional connection that I would have to these children of ours. I could not have prepared my heart or my mind for that. In my thoughts, I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to carry them to term. And how that would actually make me feel guilty… like I’d let them down from the very start. In my thoughts, I didn’t know about how desperately I would long for sleep. And my own time. And at times, my own identity. And how that, too, would make me feel selfish. And when I thought about being really patient, I had no idea what a challenge it would be to have babies who were sad. Or toddlers who are toddlers. I had no real idea that when I thought I would rock at playing that I would be called to do it every waking moment of the day. I didn’t take into consideration that parenting, much like every other part of life, is not designed to love every single minute of it. As for always being present, I didn’t take into account that there would inevitably be moments where I’d find myself yearning to be on a tropical island with an umbrella in my drink. And I most definitely underestimated the way I would compare myself… not JUST to other mamas… but to my own expectations, daily.

But my own expectations were and I think continue to be, skewed. The picture or idea I had of motherhood is much different from the reality. Because the reality is far more awesome than anyone could have ever warned or prepared me for. And yet, it is also hard. It’s hard because there isn’t a right way. There isn’t a sure thing. There isn’t one-size-fits-all parenting answer because we aren’t one-size-fits-all people… and life would be pretty boring if we were. And the day you think you’ve figured it all out, unlocked the secret, and gotten it right… the very next day, laughter follows you like a shadow. I just didn’t know how much motherhood would seep into me. I could not have known until I lived it. Breathed it. And enjoyed it.

If I could answer that question today, I’d have this to say: I am not the mom I thought I’d be but now that I am fully immersed in the life of mothering, I think my kids are really lucky to have me as their mom.

For my kid’s sake and for mine, I think I need to start saying those type of words more often, I am a good mom. I am a good mom because I care about my children. I am a good mom because I love them to the depths of the universe. I am a good mom because I am proud to be their mother. And I feel lucky, daily, to call them mine. I am doing the best I know how. And though I still think it’s okay to call this hard, and exhausting, I also think it’s okay to say I’m totally rocking this today. And I think, some days, that is evident in their smiles. In their hugs. And in their hearts.


I AM a better mom than I ever could have known I would be.

What about you?