If I were given a sliding scale of attractiveness, I would probably put myself somewhere between indifferent and somewhat satisfied. Though I may put myself in the category of cute, I’ve long known that I’m not one of the pretty people. And let me just get it out of the way, this is not one of those statements that I’m saying so people will retort “oh, Ashli, you’re pretty”, it’s a very genuine statement. This is not to say that I’ve never felt pretty. There have certainly been days… the day I got my braces off, my senior prom, my week as rush chair, my wedding day and a handful of others that come to mind … but for the most part, I consider myself in the average crew, and honestly, I think I’m finally good with it.
As a teen, I developed a disdain for my curves. First, as I’ve previously stated, I longed for the day that I would have curves and then, once I got them, I questioned just how I could make a return. While I know that some women love their curves, I felt jipped. My friends curves were all in the right places — boobs and butt — and my curves covered my thighs and hung on my hips. Like most teenage girls, I wanted one of two things: to either have a knockout face or a knockout body. Well, sometimes what we want, we don’t get and instead of a flat stomach and legs that went on for days, I had “personality”. And of course, that was the furthest down on my list of “wants”.
I don’t know if it was all the hormones or the acceptable, round belly that came with bearing a babe but finally, during pregnancy, I felt comfortable in my own skin. It was then that I found that even though I had settled into my self, I still had a concern: what if I have an ugly baby? Don’t misunderstand my fears, I knew that there were more important things in life but who doesn’t have the Seinfeld syndrome that people will say you’re babe is breathtaking?
Upon Barrett’s arrival into the world, I must admit, I didn’t think he was very cute. I thought he was tiny and so that, in itself, was endearing but his face was so smooshed and his nose was completely out of proportion with the rest of his face. And really, after the host of scares that we encountered in the first days, we were just thrilled to have such a healthy baby {yes, I have perspective — on occasion}. But after a couple of weeks, I determined that Barrett was going to be an average looking baby. Because I realize that neither Adam nor I are at supermodel status, I figured an average looking baby was a pretty accurate draw. At month three though, something happened. Our little caterpillar came out of his cocoon and one adorable little chap emerged.
At first, I thought that this was just the mother affect … that I simply thought Barrett was cute because he was our little pumpkin… that I was simply an adoring, proud mother. Perhaps this affect played a part but I soon realized that no matter where I went and no matter what he wore, strangers approached me and wanted to see my baby. Whether in the grocery store, at the mall, in the parking lot or at the gym, people seemed to be drawn to B and I couldn’t help but be flattered by all of the attention. We heard everything from those eyelashes!, that smile!, and the often doled out, he’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. At first I would ask every person who would comment, “do you really think that or are you just saying it because that’s what seems nice?” {no joke} but over time and as it became commonplace, I simply accepted it as truth.
There’s a sort of curse in being deemed cute at such a young age though as I’ve often told Adam that I will know exactly when Barrett hits his awkward phase because people will stop fawning over him. I already find myself thinking that perhaps it was just his gummy smile or his small stature but as Barrett’s personality peers through more and more, I find him even more irresistible than ever. I also have found myself wondering if, perhaps, Barrett is actually adorable because of his wide grin, his smiling eyes and his lovable laugh and not at all because he drew the big straw in the gene pool. Perhaps it is his personality that makes him so precious.
I never figured, being a person of average appearance myself, that I would ever deal with having an adorable infant. However, I’ve already begun to stress about what will happen if/when our next child is not as cute as Barrett. But hey, regardless, with parents like Adam and myself, all of our offspring will come packed with personality…. and maybe personality isn’t so bad after all.
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