“Do you have kids?”
If you know me personally, you know that I believe the hubs and I are MFEO {name the movie…}. Along with that fact, I believe that Adam and I are really good at parenting together. This is not to say that I always think we are rock star parents but I do think we do well in the teamwork department. We are generally on the same page, if not at least in the same chapter and we respect and trust each other’s ability to make the appropriate decisions for our children. But I think that no matter who you are, and how rock solid your relationship is, your marriage changes after you bring little bundles into the fold. And then again with each addition to the fam.
About nine months ago, I had 15 friends who were expecting. That number steadily decreases as those mamas-to-be have become mamas-to-wees but all of these people transitioning to parents or to bigger families has made for some great convo throughout their gestational journeys.
While discussing children, parenting and marriage, one of these baby bearing beauties commented that she felt like she should get some marriage counseling on the books for November. Due with her first baby in September, my friend was partially joking, partially being practical…as she always is. The first words out of my mouth were, “I think our marriage has grown stronger with kids.” but the more I have thought about this exchange, the more I have decided that perhaps my friend is on to something. First of all, counseling and therapy are never a bad thing. Second, if you told me that I had one hour a week, alone with my husby, without kids, without cell phones, that was concurrently on the schedule, I would take it in a heartbeat.
I’m not going to lie, the deeper we dive into parenting, the more challenges we encounter to keep our marriage in focus. And people, in general, tell us continuously that the phase we’re in was the hardest phase for their marriage. This does not mean I love Adam any less…in fact, I have never loved him more, truly. I mean, he’s seen me push two people out of my person and still loves me just the same. But the fact of the matter is, there will always be a finite number of hours in the day and the moment we expanded our people portfolio was the same moment that making precious us time a priority became a bit trickier.
As usual, let’s be real.
I can be a beast. Of course I don’t mean all the time. There’s a portion of time that I think I am a fairly pleasant, enjoyable person. But others, I can be a real doozy. Prior to children, I was perhaps more of a beauty, and now, in times of impatience and frustration, the beast that I previously was able to keep more closely monitored, comes out to play. And I fully recognize it {that’s the first step, right?}.
Post children, I notice that I get owly with my darling about things that don’t even really matter, but have become mainstays in my life on planet mom. These things, including laundry, dishes, meal planning and housework are not always sources for contention but it’s highly probable that once every couple of weeks, these things, et al, will cause mamma Brehm to blow her top. And as many have stated before, the ones we love the most often see us at our worst.
I think that story could be told from the inside of familial households everywhere…at least that’s what I’m telling myself. And I think the biggest issue with the entire story, is when I start to think of things in terms of I and my. My floor. He threw his socks on my floor. Nevermind that he pays for that floor by going to work everyday.
Also, at times {ahem.}, I get feisty because I’m at a point again {er, always. And I know, you’ve heard about it for years. Blah blah blah. I’ll stop soon.} where I don’t know where Ashli belongs in the mix of mommyhood and to be perfectly honest, I have moments where I feel as though the amount of life adjustment between mother and father is unbalanced. Not because men are lazy and awful. Because I think many of the mothers I know {including myself} are more emotional about parenting while the fathers I know are more practical. So when he goes on a golf outing {have I mentioned that, at least for the time being, golf is my arch nemesis?} for work and is an hour later than originally communicated, the beast is back. How fortunate for him that he has a built-in daycare service. I am clearly a third class citizen. Wouldn’t it be great if my work let me go on golf outings? Again, completely, as Barrett would say, ridickerous feelings, as my better half hits the links once in a blue moon but, at times, still cannot help from throwing a little pity party. With the martyr being the guest of honor. But if I come home from Bunko before 10 o clock, Adam questions why I didn’t stay longer…and why I didn’t take more time for myself. He is more of a beauty.
Now if you know my husband, you know that I believe him to be one of the least selfish humans to have ever walked the earth. But the beast, she tends to forget this fact. She tends to hate golf and socks. She’s a fun-hater for sure.
Another bait for beastie behavior is that even with just two little loves, we can still get really busy going to and fro and carting the kids and their stuff from timbuck to timtoo. Once time is divided for family and work, the time for just us is minimal. And then, more than ever, I find it’s hard to separate my role as my husband’s wife from my role as kid wrangler, chef, and mommy maid. Enter beastie barbie. She comes complete with guilt trip, unwashed hair and a superiority complex.
So what are couples to do? How does this momma reign in her inner beast? I think there are a few things that are key to keeping up with your coupledom. After all, we wouldn’t have these children if we hadn’t met each other first and ultimately, when our gaggle is all grown and gone {pause to hyperventilate} to have lives of their own, we will once again, be back where we all started…just the two of us. And dagnabbit, we’re going to like it.
So here are 5 things I think are key to keeping the two of us connected and mitigating any madness:
1. Chit, Chat, It Will Go Like That – The beauty, beast and husby all agree that when communication occurs and when the expectations match the outcomes, everything operates pretty smoothly. In talking about what the days will be like ahead or how our day went, we are more connected as a couple. In understanding that each of us deserves the respect of communicating if the expected “plan” has changed — one of us will be later than expected, we don’t have a sitter for that night, the kids are not going to cooperate if we go out with them tonight — it helps alleviate frustration later.
2. The Bickersons Have Left the Building – Bob and Betty Bickerson visit our house on occasion. We don’t really ever see them in public but sometimes they join us when Jonah’s had a tough day or when Barrett misbehaves. Betty often comes alone but when Bob and Betty come together, well they can create quite a scene. They stop in unannounced and are rude, ungracious, jerky jerks. When we keep the bickering Bickersons{which is never productive or useful} at bay, our life is much more blissful. So if your having a useless somewhat heated discussion about the socks left in the hamper or on the living room floor, drop it like it’s hot. It’s just not productive and it isn’t kind.
3. Don’t Be Late for an Important Date – We are each other’s priority. And because of that, we make regular date nights. This doesn’t mean that we go out every third Friday, it means that whenever we feel like we need some us time, we schedule it. It may be going out with friends. It may be a night on the town, or wine and sushi on the couch after the kids go to bed. This priority has been tougher to stay focused on with two children but we are getting back into the swing of things as of late.
4. Let Me Take You to Funkytown – {Sorry, dad} Call it what you will, Parenthood recently dubbed it Funkytown which makes me giggle like a 3 year old. Getting randy. Making whoopie. Boning. Getting it on. Afternoon delight. Grocery shopping. Doing the nooky. Like Nike says, just do it. Your marriage will thank you. How often is up to you to decide but more than once a year is advisable.
5. Be Your Own Dog – Adam and I were both each other’s first long relationships. Prior to that, we were sort of children. So when we were first married, we wanted to do everything together. Now that we have kids, we have each found some things that fill our bucket that take us away from each other every now and then. And that’s okay. Adam likes to play ball. I like to do some volunteering. Adam likes to do beer and code. I like to go to Panera and write. We are still two separate people and we need things that are ours in order to contribute to our coupledom. Does it always work for us to get away? No. But when we do, we’re better for it.
So I don’t have all the answers. Those are things that help us and you may have others that work for you {please share!}. But I do know that I’m pretty darn lucky to be doing this parenting thing with a person that I love and adore. And I’m guessing you are, too. First comes love, then comes marriage but don’t forget each other for the baby carriage.
*If you’ve read the last couple of posts, you may think that I’m being a negative Nancy lately. Sometimes, you get to hear my funny thoughts, sometimes my thoughtsy thoughts, and other times, my Darth Vader thoughts where I share with you the darker side of things. I like to keep it real. And in parenting and in life, one minute can be easy, the next one hard. One can be blissful, the next, just kind of eh. That, as they say, is life. And there’s a whole lotta life captured on Baby on the Brehm.
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