Recently, a friend of mine offered her husband up for $47 on Facebook. He apparently has an issue allowing their family of five to enjoy the modern convenience of home heating, even in the often frigid expanse that is Nebraska during the winter and thus, he was being voted off the island. Many seemed quite entrenched in the fact that he would keep the house in such a frosty state, but I took the opportunity to snatch that offer right up. With a very specific notation that perks are not included. Brother husband, acquired.
The acquiring of a Brother Husband was really just an insurance policy in the event that I should never succeed at locating a Sister Wife. Because let’s be real, a Sister Wife sounds totally legit.
I am a pretty dutiful Jesus is the dude gal. I have no intent to convert to Joseph Smith’s theology {so please, do not come and knock on my door}. And admittedly, I really know very little about the Mormon faith outside of Book of Mormon and TV. But between Big Love and Sister Wives, I have come to think that the whole sister wife bit is ingenious. And as I think we all know from watching TV like the current season of the Bachelor, all reality and Drama series are spot on. Drawing from that knowledge, seeing sister wives in action is proof that many hands make for lighter work {or however it is that saying goes} and I can’t really think of any downfalls to taking on an extra member in our household at this stage of the game. Specifically one who doesn’t wear diapers. Or attempts to lick the plunger as I attempt to pee {this really happens. no. really.}. And doesn’t have insane meltdowns over not getting the top half of a banana or wearing green underwear on Thursdays.
There are about 176 ways a sister wife would come in handy on a daily basis. Here’s the start of my findings…
2. A sister wife could sit at my house during naps while I run errands during naps. As there are currently no nap nannies that I know of {outside of recalled baby loungers} I could see this being a hugely sought after service. On the days I didn’t need my sister wife, she could nap nanny around town. We would then use the additional coin for pedicures, and new socks and underwear. Only the necessities, of course.
3. She could make the dinner my children ultimately don’t eat so I would know it wasn’t just my cooking. I recently realized that I care way less about what they don’t eat when mine are not the hands that prepared it. Sister wife solved.
4. A sister wife could watch my kids while I go to the Dentist. The doctor. And the bathroom. I would no longer have to fear that should I need to relieve myself, my baby will be riding the lazy susan like a carousel upon my return.
5. Sometimes it’s lonely around the house during the day. Sister wife and I could chit chat. It would be a little like a built-in constant play date that never has to leave.
6. She could watch all the TV that I’ve been meaning to watch. And see all the movies I’ve been meaning to see. And then catch me up on them during our daytime gab-sessions.
7. She could take part in a few of the 720 rounds of Minute to Win-It we play daily with the one year old and assist in getting the knives from the dishwasher before he climbs aboard… the scissors from the crafting table, before he snatches them up… the jam from the refrigerator before his mitts confiscate it.
8. She could mow the lawn and shovel snow. This would mean my hubs would never have to walk in the door and say, “I need to go shovel, k?” again.
9. Sister wife would allow for a few spontaneous date nights that do not necessitate 84 text messages to find a sitter.
10. Sister wife could help with laundry. If Sister wife, the hubs, and I each took a portion, we’d each only be signing up for 5.5 each per week. Boom.
11. She could step in when my temper meter starts to soar and send mama to timeout. And mama could go drink some tea. Some very strong tea {wink wink. nod nod.}
12. A sister wife would be able to organize 4 years of school art work and make them into a book for my coffee table that my one year old could then chew on and my three year old could take up to his bed during nap time and rip to shreds.
13. We could laugh, together, throughout the day at the funny things the kids do/say. How often do I find myself wanting to text my husband or recreate convo that one of the children and I just had and leave it in a voicemail, about 14 times a day {if I’m guessing}. But sometimes, it feels like if a tree falls in the forest and no one was there, it didn’t really make a sound {I’m such a philosopher}. Sister wife would be an on the scene witness that I could exchange looks and laughter with.
14. Sister wife could sew on buttons, bake cinnamon rolls from scratch, color-coordinate closets, write thank yous, and handle all of the other things that I am perfectly capable of handling but do not prefer to do. But feel like I really should do for the sake of my motherly title.
15. A sister wife could sit in the car with the children instead of me having to unbuckle and re-coating each and every one of them just to run into the grocery store for one thing. Or into the gas station to pay inside. Or into Target to get 23 things I absolutely do not need.
16. She could help hunt down rogue socks in an effort to stop the insanity that is has become known as the #sockgate2015. This would most certainly make every morning absolutely joyous and full of chirping birds and happy sunshine. Seriously. Matching socks are the makers of dreams.
You should take notice I didn’t add that a sister wife could help manage the wifely duties {I know. It’s archaic. But I think you know what I mean here.} because I have enough other things to keep her plenty busy, clearly. Annnnd because well, I think that part of the whole sister wife arrangement is odd and unsanitary {sorrynotsorry}. Plus, that would just be awkward. BUT the rest of the list… that is only the beginning, folks. This isn’t the makings of craigslist ad, just in case you’re wondering. But if a sister wife is just a nanny/housekeeper/chef/personal assistant that you don’t have to pay, and is just there to make life easier for everyone under one roof, then point me to the sign-up sheet for that arrangement. Who else wants to get on the waiting list? For now, I will patiently await the arrival of my aforementioned recently negotiated brother husband and hope for great success, matching socks, and clean floors for daaaaayyys.
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