My kid was the one screaming in Costco while being carried out under some very patient, loving woman’s arm the other day. Oh, and that was my arm he was under. While kicking. And screaming, “I WANT TO EAT DINNER HERE!!!”
He also, happened to be the kid screaming in Menards just 7 minutes post the Costco exit. The one that you may have heard from the Garden Center all the way to the Lighting Section, screaming, “I WANT THE CAR CART!!!!”
Yep. My kid. And you may have been one of the faces I saw. Because there are always at least 5 types of people I see when my kid is the one flailing in my arms… or on the floor… like he just got tasered.
1. The Nodder
The Nodder is my fave. This is the person looking at you while your child is completely unhinged. They understand you. They confirm that their life is no different than your life. And with their to-the-core empathy, they silently communicate that they dealt with this yesterday. Which is why they are in Menards alone today. And they feel extra sorry for you and your situation.
2. The Looker Awayer
The one who just doesn’t know what to do. Make eye contact? Act like there is nothing going on? Talk very loudly about the most recent Diane Sawyer interview? The looker awayer wants no part in this situation. They will not bare witness. They are just trying to buy a nice potted plant. Not be a part of your drama. Leave them be. And don’t make them see your other non-screaming children’s faces. That will only torment them more.
3. The Judger
The Judger is amazing. The Judger lives in a land built of Marshmallow castles, perfectly manicured finger nails, and babies who never spit up and wear pristine white onesies everyday. They are the ones whose children sit quietly at a restaurant. Do not speak unless they are spoken to. Never worry about having snacks or toys in their purse because that would spoil children. And most definitely would not allow their child to scream, “I WANT THE CAR CART!!!” for 20 minutes straight in a public setting. Sometimes a grandparent who never would have allowed said behavior in their day… or a mother whose purse is clearly worth more than your car, The Judger has all the answers and is waiting with baited breath for you to seek their sage advice.
4. The Vigilante
This person wants justice. The Vigilante creepily stalks you — the person holding firmly to a flailing three year and saying things like, “This is completely inappropriate behavior.” through gritted teeth — hiding at endcaps and in between fencing and potted plants to confirm that you are actually the screaming child’s guardian, rather than someone who is kidnapping a child whose only crime was wanting a CAR CART! And once they glean enough intel to determine you are, indeed, the parental unit, they turn into The Beggar. And with their big doe eyes, they are silently saying, “Just give him the car cart. He’s only three. He wants the cart”.
5. The Laugher
Usually either employees or teenagers, the Laughers are there to make your public tantrum world feel a little less like Hell and a little more like a sitcom. The Laughers are your saving grace. The ones you cling to and search for to make you feel like there is a purpose to the screaming. And the purpose is: birth control and human enjoyment. And while I don’t usually dig laugh tracks, it seems to be rather dandy in the public tantrum world.
So to all of you who I saw in Menards and Costco, I thank you for playing your role. I do apologize for my child’s glass-crackling shrill shrieks that may have caused you to up your blood pressure medicine or start your day drinking earlier than anticipated but I sincerely appreciate you being along for the ride. And I am very happy to report that all it took to end that particular knipshunfit was a flatbed full of mulch. Duh.
You might also like
