I told a dear friend the other day, “Cancer is a real confidence booster.” I say this, clearly in jest, but because everyone is telling me I am strong. And brave. And amazing. And beautiful. And here I am, just being me. It’s a very surreal situation. But if I seem strong. Or brave. It’s because of my faith. I don’t write or talk about religion very often… I’m not confident that I can quote scripture with any sort of proficiency… And I’ve really never believed that how I feel about God makes me any better than anyone else. But, if people are asking how I can be so spirited, even in the face of adversity… if I seem positive it’s because I have faith that it’s going to be okay. It’s because I just know that I believe.
Sometimes that’s hard to explain because some of my very favorite people in my life don’t share my beliefs and I am okay with that. I’m probably not supposed to say that I don’t believe in judging anyone else’s faith. But that’s just what my heart feels. Because my beliefs are personal. And have come, in some form, because of peace. Peace that others, perhaps, have never felt.
Peace in situations when there shouldn’t really be peace. The kind that is known as peace that passes understanding. Like the night that I delivered the Middlest. It was one of the most beautiful nights of my life. As I held him in my arms, I had a peace. In my mind. In my heart. A peace that it had all gone beautifully. After our delivery of the Oldest had been tumultuous. And then, two and a half years later, when I was told that I’d be delivering the Littlest at 32 weeks, I had it again. A peace. And that time… that time it truly was a peace that passes understanding. I should have been scared. I should have been more worried and anxious that our baby was born at 3 pounds. But I wasn’t. I felt so at peace. Because of my faith. In humanity. In my Doctors and Nurses. In friends and family. And in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
And in that time, when we had a baby in the NICU, it was the people in my life who were truly the hands and feet for me. They {our friends, our family, our church family, and so many others} carried us, our entire family, through the hard times with prayers. And thoughts. And help. And support. And love.
And then, then cancer. I mean, wow.
In my first two weeks spanning from lump check to diagnosis, I was covered in more prayer and genuine support than I ever understood existed. And gosh. I needed it. And then. It multiplied. It multiplied into more support than I ever deserved. And it continues. And now, as I have started treatment, I feel it again. A peace that passes understanding {down in my heart;)}. Not every single moment of every single day. But a lot of the time. And I can’t explain it. Except to point to my faith. My faith in my Doctors and Nurses. In modern medicine. In humanity. In family and friends that are making this part of my journey so much less stressful. And in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
I think, in times of hard or times that don’t make sense to our earthly brains, we can either turn away from faith, or turn towards it. We can become non-believers, stay non-believers, believe, or have a real “come to Jesus” feeling. I don’t know that I feel like my faith has changed since cancer entered my life, but I know that I’ve rested on it, every day since chemo began. Before that, in the first two weeks, I had to rest on everyone else’s prayers. I didn’t have the strength. Or the bravery. And I didn’t know how I could ask God for more… because I felt like I’d already gotten to know so much goodness in my life. I know, that doesn’t make sense. But it’s really what I struggled with. How can I ask for more goodness when I’ve already gotten more than one person deserves?
And then, after my diagnosis… and once I started treatment, I could feel my heart being repaired. And since, I’ve felt fairly normal {or abnormal, perhaps;)}. Because of grace, I think. There is no other way for me to describe the support and love and thoughts and help that we’ve been showered with. There is no other way for me to possibly explain the true goodness of the people I know. There is something beautiful about having the opportunity to see faith and feel peace and see all the good people of the Universe doing their best to be good. And that has made me believe what I believe even more. Faith and peace and grace and the goodness of people… it has made all the difference.
I know that that faith is carrying me these days. The prayers from others. The prayers of my own. The positive vibes. The warm fuzzies. Label it however you choose. The genuine love and outpouring of support. They are all making my days more than manageable. They are making them livable and vibrant. And that may be, all I need to know. Because it helps me focus on the here and now… to love the present day. It reminds me that people are so so so good. And it makes me so very grateful for this life I get to live.
None of us have a crystal ball. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But today, I have faith that there’s goodness ahead. And that gives me a peace… perhaps that passes understanding. And while it was hard for me to put into words a bit, I so wanted to share this post today because I’ve had many ask how I can be strong. And stay positive. And it’s because, as George Michael says, I gotta have faith faith faith-uh!
**And because I sometimes feel my faith the most through music… a little ditty, just because {Don’t mind the shaky voice or the shaky chords;). And thanks to the Mr. for always being willing to put up with my playing}.
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