I am now, almost ten months into my third go-round with the MSPI diet. And I actually feel like I’ve gotten pretty good at the whole shebang. And I’m here to tell you, third time > first time. I feel so sure about that that I just used sort of math in a blog. And if you know one shred of me, you know this means I’m as serious as that artist that used to go by the name Prince and maybe goes by Prince again is about high heels. Third time > first time. I’m in the homestretch on this go round and I’m almost certain I can taste the sweet cheesiness of success just around the river bend {Kinda like Pocahontas, right?}.
So the ol’ MSPI stuff… if you don’t know what in the heck I am talking about, you can read more in some of my past posts:
MSPI Mamas
MSPI All Up In My Eye
Forty-Seven. Ninety-Nine.
Menu For A Milk-Free Mama
Tough to Stomach
To sum up a lot of the past posts, I’ve written about what MSPI is and also, bits about the dietary modifications it requires. And I’ve written before about foods that I really like, and that make this whole diet business more manageable for this mama. But what I’ve left out thus far is the fact that there are some things, some dairy/soy-free alternatives and substitutes for the mainstream items that I have deemed to be gross. And that, at moments, make me feel a little bit like I’m a contestant on Fear Factor: Modified Diet Edition. Yes, there are definitely a few of the edible items {it pains me to call a couple of them food because I think of food as something that has redeeming qualities} that I’m calling big fat fails. And here are my observations and findings…
// Veggie Cheese is not cheese. This should be evident. Placing veggie in front of the word cheese should absolve this product from having to behave like anything actual cheesey goodness. To steal a word from a friend who once thought cheese would be better off if we changed its name to chee, I would have to say that instead of labeling Veggie Cheese as Cheese, they should market it as VegChee. Because it is undeserving of getting the entire word of cheese in its name. The two I have tried have been Go! Veggie Cheese and Daiya Cheese. Gross, people. Gross. Seriously. They’ve smelled similar to a sharp tasting cheese, and the Go! Veggie Cheese even presents a similar consistency, but after that, the wheels fall off. Perhaps if you’ve never heard of or tasted what we dairy-lovers know as cheese then this VegChee would fill some sort of need. But Daiya made me want to die-ya. And Go! Veggie made me a little bit, want to, Go! Vom. If you have any interest in melting socks that you’ve worn for three days and putting them into a casserole, just use one of these faux cheese options instead. VegChee has been voted off my island.
// Enjoy Life S’Mores Bars. I cannot foresee any person eating the Enjoy Life S’Mores bar and actually asking for S’more. Upon first bite, I thought these were pretty tasty. And then, as I attempted to break it down between my teeth, I determined that they were, indeed, pretty tasty. Especially if you like to eat chalk. If you’ve ever seen a child coloring the sidewalk and thought mmmm…that chalk looks tasty then these bars are for you. It was as though they were Chalkolate instead of Mockolate and I was not a fan. I do like some of Enjoy Life’s! other products but if you are really wanting to enjoy life, steer clear of these bars.
// Watermelon Oreos. I mean, seriously people. I like an Oreo as much as the next gal… well, actually, outside of this dietary time of my life, I really don’t enjoy Oreos… but I am okay on several kinds including the chocolate standard, the birthday cake goldens, and most def the mint. But the watermelon offering they supplied this summer were over the top. I would have been better off getting a spoon, turning my lazy susan {poor susan. she’s so lazy}, filling that spoon with granulated sugar, and eating that sugar, plain. That’s how sweet those suckers were. Mouth-puckering-just-not-good sweetness. Kind of like watermelon bubble gum without the strange and inherent need to swallow it immediately when it touches your tongue {Am I the only person who feels an involuntary reflex to swallow fruit-flavored bubble gum?}. And the mere fact that Oreos are indeed, dairy and soy free, is absolutely mind-boggling. And a little disturbing. Because they are “cream-filled” cookies. And yet… there’s no dairy. Kinda makes you wonder what else is in your food, eh?
// Cultured Almond Milk aka Almond Milk Yogurt, should, in my opinion be renamed Nogurt. It’s terrible. You know when you buy a rotisserie chicken from Costco because it costs 4 pennies and then you take it home and shred it up to use in every single thing you make that week because it’s the biggest damn chicken you’ve ever seen? Well, Nogurt is similar to the gelatinous substance that lives on the underbelly of a rotisserie chicken that’s been simmering in its own juices for a bit. Nogurt is also sour and tangy tasting. And I think if I slubbed it out of the container in one big blob, I could send it down my stairs like a slinky without disrupting its form. I am going to go ahead and strongly encourage that if you are on a milk and soy free diet, you just take a break from yogurt all together because I’ve yet to find a suitable substitute. As a caveat, I must mention that one time I did have some success with Cultured Vanilla Coconut Milk when I added three spoons of granola, honey, and almonds, and then ate around the Nogurt.
So, while I’ve found many good substitutes, and alternative options throughout my MSPI adventures, of these items, I say buyer beware. Veggies=good. Cheese=good. But veggie cheese is not cheese.
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