I don’t clean my house that often these days. Sure… I “clean” in that I do a 3 minute spray and swipe in the bathrooms each week while holding a child on one arm. And I do vacuum far more than I ever did pre-children due to the multiple choking hazards that are laying around on a daily basis. Of course, we pick up each night… but the floor scrubbing, and the nook and cranny cleans, wellllll… not so often, my friends. The reaaaaallllllly deep, satisfying cleaning, that’s few and far between these days.
Why, you might ask. Your children might lick the floor, you are thinking. And the little carrier monkeys leave germs everywhere, your mind is chanting. But unless I hire a cleaning lady again, some-a that stuff, it’s just not happenin’ on any sort of regular schedule.
Because when I get the chance to clean… it sets into motion a whole series of events. As I was reminded the other day while down on my hands and my knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. And suddenly found myself transported into a Laura Numeroff book.
Because, if you give a mom a bucket of suds, she’s going to scrub her kitchen floor.
Once she starts scrubbing the floor, she’ll realize there are four thousand tiny little orange cracker crumbs she needs to sweep up first.
When she gets the broom, she’ll realize that she needs to vacuum the dust bunnies from the bottom of the bristles.
As she is walking for the vacuum, she’ll spot some smooshings of breakfast debris that have graced the threshold from the kitchen to the carpet. She’ll use her vacuum to suck it up. She’ll suck up the dust bunnies. And sweep the floor.
After she puts the broom back, she’ll wonder again what is T Swift saying again if she isn’t saying Starbucks Lovers. She’ll also remember that she needs to make a hair appointment. And two dentist appointments. Oh and then, she’ll remember she was scrubbing.
Being down on the floor, she’ll look up and see that the underside of the high chair is coated with orange and sticky. And the table and chairs have milk spatterings along the legs.
So, after she is done scrubbing the floor, she’ll move on to the chairs and high chair.
As she is moving the high chair from the corner by the window, she’ll notice that someone has slobbered all over the glass.
She’ll start spraying down one window… and before she knows it, she’s done all 4 in the kitchen. Two in the dining room and three in the living room.
As she swipes the living room windows, she’ll take mental note that the toys need to be sorted through… again.
While she’s scrubbing the window above the sink, she’ll notice that the stovetop needs a good scrubbing.
As she gets out the stovetop cleaner, she sees the bathroom cleaner and figures now is as good of time as any and puts it on the counter.
While she’s taking the cleaner to the bathroom, she’ll see a trail of torn up toilet paper on the floor and makes a mental note to vacuum those up.
As she goes into clean the bathroom, she decides that those floors also need a cleaning.
When she’s down scrubbing the floor, she realizes she needs to take out the trash.
As she takes out the trash, she makes a mental note that the bathroom smells like boys and pee. She decides she must get something to make it smell better.
As she goes back to the kitchen to jot down “air freshener” on the Target list, she picks up four stray socks, one rogue sticker, and a maize crayon, and decides she needs some water.
Her water glass is empty so she goes to fill it with ice.
Opening the freezer reminds her that it is a cold mess. So she starts rifling through.
As she’s cleaning the freezer, she spills out an entire bag of frozen peas.
The spilled peas mean she goes to grab the vacuum.
On the way, with the vacuum, she once again sees the shredded toilet paper.
She starts the vacuum and then realizes she will first need to pick up the toys.
She picks up one anywhere chair, one Laugh and Learn car, a little people bus, two push n go cars, six squigz, two stray bendominos, Guess Who, and a baby shoe.
After all the toys are moved, she vacuums up the toilet paper, and head to suck up the peas.
By this point, the peas have started to melt a bit on the floor.
The water dripping on the floor will make her feel like she needs to scrub the floor again.
And feeling the need to scrub the floor will have her… of course… looking for her bucket of suds.
Once she’s done, she realizes an hour and a half has gone by, uninterrupted… she looks around and admires the sparkling windows, and clean scent in the air.
For as many as three minutes.
And then the baby wakes. And out come the Little People Bus and the Laugh n Learn car.
And the older wants to be done resting. And out come the markers, colors, pens, paper, and Legos.
And the soon, the middlest joins. And a snack is summoned.
And the handprints are back. Snack is accidentally spilled. And pee is dribbled onto the floor.
And so, she pours her suds down the drain. Vowing to never waste so much time again. For another few years. Or at least another month.
So, why don’t I clean as often as I’d want to say I do? Because… if you give a mom a bucket of suds… well… you’re begging for insanity.
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