These are the days

There are these big days in our lives. Like, most days… most days, if we’re fortunate… are pretty normal. Pretty standard. Pretty uneventful, really. And then. Then there are these days.

The day we get our driver’s license. The day we graduate from high school. The day we graduate from college. The day we say I do. The day we first find out we will become parents. And then, of course, the days when we first hold those sweet little children. And our whole world is morphed into something we didn’t even know existed. We are humbled with the love and support we feel on these days. These are the days. The big ones. The ones that when we talk about them, there’s a little more light in our eyes than when we talk about the others.

And then, there are the days that are the hard ones. The day when we have to hug our parents goodbye as they leave our dorm rooms. The day that you find out you were pregnant… that you were going to be a mama to a living breathing baby… and then, that dream is dashed. The day that you are told you have cancer. These are the days. The other big ones. The ones that when we talk about them, there is a little more darkness than we ever wanted to feel. Or to know.

And then… there are the days we get to choose. Every other day, we get to choose what kind of a day it is. So today, on my last {big} round of chemo, my last one with a Crashli week, my last one with major side effects and major toxins, my last one that is KILLING the cancer… I am choosing to make this a good day.

The whole family of sharp-dressed men

#boymom

Some of the INCREDIBLE Infusion Staff. These people are angels.

My Medical Oncologist, Pavan Tandra. He rocks my socks. He has incredible bedside manner. And he’s freakin’ smart.

My rock star nurse, Stacey. A beautiful soul.

My very first infusion nurse, and the one who quelled my nerves.

Dr. Sarah Thayer. AHMAZING. BRILLIANT. FUNNY. LOVELY.

Hugs to Tom, one of the two Pharmacists I’ve come to know, love and trust.

Judeen {the lube queen} and Deb, my nurse navigator, and the voice on the phone who so lovingly delivered my diagnosis.
I love them both.

More with Denise. I love her. She’s doing what she’s meant to do.

I am choosing to celebrate. Yes. I have cancer. I have thought about my mortality more in the last 5 months than I have in the last 33 years. I have been scared. In fact, I am even scared today because as I mentioned in a recent video blog, they are taking my car off the rails very soon. Soon, I will be left on my own, hopefully with No Evidence of Disease. And I will be thrilled. But I will be scared. Everyone else will feel like I should be thrilled every day — You’re cancer-free — they will say, and I, I will still be scared of recurrence and metastases.

So today. It’s one of the big days. One that I want to think about in retrospect with a little more light in my eyes rather than a little more darkness. I want to think of it today as a celebration that I survived 6 rounds of chemo and am still married and still have three beautiful boys. I want to think of it as a character-building situation that saved my life one time. And that I will never have to endure again. Because since 5 minutes after my first round, I’ve loved chemo days. And I will not let the unknowns change that. I will not let any worries take away the joy. And I will embrace this day as a day of purpose.

A Tucks/Cru Sandwich.

Me and my precious B. I wished for a cure. I hope it comes true.

My dad. I’m a lucky daughter.

This girl Sorority sister and Godmama to the Oldest.

These people put up with all my crazy. The beads came from another awesome woman celebrating her final chemo.

My gong-ringing crew.

Adorable custom cookies brought by Kellie from Sugar Chic here in O Town.

These two surprised me with bridesmaids gear. Karin couldn’t stay the whole day as she had a sick little one at home.

My dear Pastor, James {Living Grace Omaha Lutheran Church} has been at every chemo AND made visits to the hospital. He brought the bowl and as he prayed over me he reminded me to visually ask for my daily bread every day. He read from Timothy, “You’ve fought the good fight”. It was extremely touching and memorable for me.

We partied after at Pitch West. They were amazing. And the company was to die for.

This Girl. My MelSchu. I could not love her more.

We met on the bus during Rush. Phi Mu forever.

My D. And she brought my wedding flowers.

Church sisters second. Friends first.

The amount of sorority sisters I had present was such a gift. Thanks, Kel for the beautiful cookies.

And people even brought dinner to my house. With Jonah style chef hats. Love the Jorths.

These women have known me since day 1. My Fairy Godmama and my soul sista. And, they are both pulling shifts post-surg.

Post party pic with my sister-in-law, Kim. No family resemblance, clearly.

I have to touch them every once and awhile. They’re peacing out soon.

Beautiful!! Sugar Chic in O Town.

This girl is my Cali girl turned Nebraska sunshine. She takes the boys at the drop of a hat. Love.

It’s a blessing when you have so much motherly love.

Sent tux shirts to the Illinois Brehms.

The Iowa “Eickmans”

And the “Omaha” Brehms.

My FAVORITE cake from anywhere. Wheatfields Strawberry wedding cake. We had it at the hospital after The Oldest and Middlest’s were born for their “birth – day” parties. It only seemed fitting for the occasion.

Surrounded by my little loves.

A circle hug with some of my tribe.

So, what to wear? What to wear? The luckiest luckiest clothes I own. The dress from the luckiest day of my life.

wonder woman undies. Of course.

Thank you, Target.

Wonder Woman socks. Complete with capes.

My “something borrowed”, a fur stoll from my childhood/high school/lifelong friend, Jennifer.

Party like a rock star.

Love of my life.

I was wearing every piece of luck I have… the warrior bracelets, my HOPE ring, the earrings on wore at my wedding and the bracelet, my sorority pin pinned on the inside of my dress, and my grandma’s wedding band… My veil and my wedding dress. The last time I wore it for a full day, it was pretty momentous. So, today called for it, once again.

…
And, as I wore it, I couldn’t help but think of that day. Of all of our family and friends being there to cheer us on {700+ people… no joke, right}. Because they believed in us. And they believed in our love for one another.

Wedding day: April 9, 2005

And they still do today. As all of you have been cheering me on through three premies. A miscarriage. And now, this.

Vic {the pole} and me.

And of course, I can’t help but think of where I would be without THEE Adam Brehm. It’s his day as much as mine, this last round. Because people, HE, is the inspiration. Truly. And though we still have one crash period. And though we will still have surgery, maybe radiation… and we have no idea what the years ahead will bring for any of us, just like the words of our first song said, these are the days, Adam Brehm. These are the days.

Love him forever. Like him for always.

Overcome with tears.

Corsage and boutonniere from M and K.

My current drink of choice, Bloody Mary!

It was a good good day.

Kisses for good luck.

And because I was wearing my dress, though it might seem odd to you as a reader, it only seems to fitting to share the vows we said to one another a decade+almost 1 ago…

Adam, today I give myself to you as your wife.

All I have to offer is my hope for us, my dreams for our future, my strength to invest in our marriage, my all. I take you to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. As long as we both shall live. I pledge to share my life openly

with you, to speak the truth to you in love. I promise to honor and tenderly care for you, to cherish you and encourage your fulfillment as an individual through the changes of our lives. To this I pledge you my solemn vow before God.

Happy. Overwhelmed in the best way. I can’t believe I did it!

If there was ever any question, I’d repeat these words to you every morning when the sun rises and every night when the sun sets, Mr. Brehm. You have upheld your end of the deal 150% and beyond. I will spend the rest of my days trying to hold up mine.

…

So today, friends, this was a day. Was a big one. One that I chose for happiness. And one that I hope to rejoice in, for many years to come. I hope that you, too, had a happy day. And remember that TODAY is the only today we get…

These are the days of the endless summer

These are the days, the time is now

There is no past, there’s only future

There’s only here, there’s only now

-Van Morrison

So, chemo, take the rest of the cancer… and make it so it never wants to return. I ask for your prayers of praise, of hope, and of love for me today. That can be my wedding gift:).