Oh me oh my. My Oldest just turned 9. N I N E years on the planet, this kid has lived. And it’s even crazier to think that just as he was born 9 years back, this blog was born 9 years and 8 months ago. In September, I will have called Baby on the Brehm my “brand” for T E N years. For someone who can’t decide what to eat for lunch on any given day, having kept a blog and human for 9 years feels like a triumph.
A few people pointed out on Barrett’s birthday that he is halfway to adulting. Weird. What a foreign concept to the world of somewhat micromomaging that I am currently living in. What feels like fields and forests away though, will, inevitably organically change, evolve, grow, and reinvent, over and over again in this 9-year-old masterpiece of a son we are lucky enough to be learning all about.
And just as he reaches that halfway point, he is so independent. With the ages of the boys, Saturday mornings no longer consist of nursing, early rising, diaper changes, medicine schedules, and feeling like a total mom-bie. The early years — the stages with infants, were demanding in a whole different physical way than the place that we are now. These boys can get their own toaster strudel and pop it in the toaster. They can work the tv and snuggle up to Woody the Woodpecker. They can purchase $2000 worth of items off of Amazon. Yes. That happened. Another story for another day.
But they still need us in different ways. I would say that the phase of 9, 6, and 4, is oddly still tiring. Like, it shouldn’t be, right? We are all pretty much sleeping through the night. We have a bedtime routine down pat. Well. I mean, as pat as it gets with three personalities under 9. But somehow, still being in the business of human management takes a good amount of energy and emotion. And, on occasion, deep breathing.
But now what?
Do you ever get there? Where the game’s done changed and you take a little breather to survey the landscape and you think, “Hmmmmm… now what?”
I’m kind of there. Not with the boys. But with the “What do I do with me? For me? Because of me?”
I’ve been blogging as long as I’ve been mothering. It’s been growing along with me. My words are whatever I am in the moment.
I have been writing a bit less here lately. You might have noticed, if you’ve been here since my early days, that many of my topics have become more serious over the years. I am much less likely to just write up a quick funny capturing of my boys because well, my boys are growing and I’m trying to learn how much and what to share about their lives as little MEN. I’ve even evolved from a Mama of one screaming baby who was lost and wondering how I could become a Pinterest Mama to a Mama who is so happy to be alive and here to experience my very not even close to Pinterest life. This space, this blog, has morphed and changed with me. With Barrett. With Life. And I love it for that.
But I’ve stepped back a bit as of late to really figure out where I am going next. A bit of a “what if I jump and I fall?” OR “what if I jump and I land, firmly planted right where I am looking to go? Or even beyond? Can I actually handle that?”
With the invention of Facebook and Instagram, I have gravitated towards more and more microblogs and quick snippets of life over there. I’ve tried to keep this space more clean and looking sort of together.
I’ve reassessed what I’m doing with this blog and with me and with my life post-cancer. Post-babyhood mama life. As a SAHM who has been through the phase of having three under 4 at home to the phase of having two hours in the afternoon to myself. What?! When did that happen? I guess it just does, right?
And I am looking hard at where I take this next.
First, right now, I make nothing {okay, pennies} on this site. I make a wee bit at Her View from Home. I make a bit of cash speaking. Second, my social media presence is fairly constant. It feels like that’s the ONLY way to stay on the radar of followers or in the feeds of friends. I post pretty random stuff. Whatever I like.
And then, there’s the book writing.
I’m kind of having a Robert Frost moment. Which path do I take? I can’t do alllll the things. So what do I give my time to?
Because I’m realizing this. I am 35. And I’m not normal. I’ve got a story here. One that matters. So how do I proceed with this story?
Honestly, for my whole life, I have said the words I’m just a normal girl. But that’s bullshit. Total hogwash. You know why? Because I’M NOT NORMAL.
AND NEITHER ARE YOU.
Seriously. YOU ARE NOT NORMAL. Hate to break it to you. But there is no normal.
None of us is just normal. Each of us has our own thing. Our own story. Our own reason for being.
So what do I do with this not normal life?
….
As I have been taking a step back from the blogging-everyday, part of it has been because I’m working on my book. A sort of self-helpy memoir that covers why goodness and hard go together. And right now, I’m supposed to be knocking out my proposal.
I recently talked with an Agent (the book world is a whole new scene for me that I’m trying to figure out) and she said, “I’m sure that your 7 thousand people do like your blog. But a lot of people have 7 thousand followers. You would need hundreds of thousands of followers with thousands of comments to get the attention of an agent just based on your brand. And you’re not famous enough to be famous, ya know.” Ya. I know. Gah. Do I EVER know.
I was sort of demolished. Not because the woman told me to stop writing but because I felt like such a poser. Such a circus act. Such a midwestern Mama who was nothing to write home about. Nothing to aspire to write about.
And the woman, she wasn’t being rude. Truly. She wasn’t. She was being honest about the industry and how people who write memoirs and self-help are generally known commodities.
I felt so crazy. In writing a book, it had never occured to me that I should be wanting to get famous. Famous isn’t part of my plan. Authentic, real, crazy… those are my goals. Famous. That sounds like a lot.
So what is this mama to do? Give up? Stop writing?
Well. That would be the easy thing, right? But it would also be the most painful thing I could think of. To stop writing, for me, would, at this point feel like removing an organ that gives me life. Dramatic, I know, but I’ve had my boobs removed. I know what it’s like to take a part of you you’re used to having and then, to not have it.
…
The boys are 9, 6, and 4. This blog, is 9, too. And in taking a step back, I’ve decided on a few things. {yes. I promise. There is a point to all of this.}
- I am still going to produce a book. This will be a lot of work. The shopping to agents. Getting the proposal just right. And knowing that if, after a year, it doesn’t get picked up, I can go the self-publishing route and sell it to the people I know who would want to read it. Because gah… I didn’t ever start writing to get famous. It wasn’t in my dreams that a story about me would get picked up by GMA or Inside Edition. I didn’t plan on getting multiple calls from the Ellen Show. This blog, this writing of mine, has always just been my life. And as you write and share on social media, it can be tempting to get caught up in comparison of all the great stories and people and writers. But that is not why I’m writing. I’m not writing for fame. I’m writing because, just like you, I have a story to tell. And me writing through my life is not saying my story is any more interesting, it’s just saying, I have value.
- As I move forward, I have to know that if I want to keep doing this, I have to figure out better ways to monetize and produce some kizzle from my adventures. If I want to keep doing this when all of the boys are in school, I need to treat it like a true job and stop calling it a “hobby.” It’s time. Shit or get off the pot. But gosh darn it, getting off the pot feels so much easier sometimes. So moving forward, I’m working on that. Not because this can’t thrive without making cash but I’ve determined that contributing financially matters to me and motivates me and I’m not gonna feel bad about that.
- For me, I will be writing more here, on this blog, working on the book stuff, and working on booking more speaking opportunities, and spending a little less time on social media. So, if you want to know what I’m up to on Facebook, you may have to seek out my page. I just don’t think I’ll be posting as much random stuff for a bit. This means that some days, I may post a lot. Some days, not really at all. We’ll see how that goes?
- This blog platform will continue to be a story of my life. With a little more direction at times. Some days, it will be a story of the Middlest buying $2000 worth of things off of Amazon. Some days it will be a feature on where I like to shop locally. Some days it will be a recap of my speaking. Some days, it will be the truth about shitting my way through life as I take the oral chemo Nerlynx. And sometimes, it will be all about my thoughts of the moment. I will be featuring local brands and places I love. I will be writing and collaborating more on the topic of wellness… the things that I do to take care of my whole body, as a mom, a cancer survivor, and a human. It will look much the same here but it will be more frequent posting.
- I am adding an email component to the blog so I can get you a recap of blog happenings. I am also going to be doing a Facebook video each week. I would love for you to join me for deep thoughts by Jack Handy.
- I am working on filling my calendar with speaking opportunities. I love love love speaking. I think I am actually getting pretty good at it. It’s where I see myself growing the most. I am working on collateral for my 5 themes I speak on, reaching out to potential leads, and booking now for 2018. I am really excited about this part of my “journey.”
- I will continue to write for and support Her View From Home. I love Leslie and the writers, I love what the site stands for, and I love love love to watch them grow!!
So why am I telling you all this? Why am I sharing my goals and dreams and reassessment? Why am I telling you that I am taking the path less-traveled? Because I would like you to be along for the ride. I would like to continue to have this community. I would like to grow my “brand.” And I would like to keep reminding each and everyone of you {and me} that there is no normal. And if there is, it’s boring.
…
Motherhood is a wild freaking rumpus. It just is. But really, when we as mothers get back to the underneath layer — to the woman beneath the mother — that is a wild freaking rumpus, too. We just sometimes forget about her. Or we give her a rest. But I am in a time where I need to help her rise back up from underneath. A time where this blog space will become more of my home base once again. And a time where I know there is no fame or fortune to my story but that, in no way, decreases its value.
We are nine here. Halfway to adulting. The blog. My mothering. My Oldest. But we still have a lot of time to grow, change, and morph a million times over. After all, that’s what life is all about.
This blog. This “brand”. These boys. The book.
This is a place where we are going for it. Doing all the things that come our way. Not letting fear freeze us. Not letting faiulre define us. Not letting being moms or women or not famous stop us. And instead, letting our visions, dreams, plans, hope, and zest for life FUEL us. Let’s do this together. Let’s chase dreams. Let’s survive the hard moments. Let’s thrive in the goodness of it all. And let’s do this shit.
Are you in? Along for the ride? I hope so.
Thanks for being with me thus far. I think we are only just getting started.
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